Munkie Mayhem

Robert Hawkins is a Pussy

2007-12-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

This stupid fuck wrote a suicide note claiming: "I've been a piece of [expletive] my entire life it seems this is my only option...Please understand that I just don't want to be a burden on the ones that I care for my entire life...I just want to take a few pieces of [expletive] with me."

What a fuckin' cop out! If this kid wanted to take some shit with him, why didn't he go down to the local whore-house and take some of them, or gangbangers, or hell drive to Vegas and take out the whole damned city???? 'Cause he was a pussy.

Probably didn't get spanked enough as a kid. That's what happens when you don't discipline your children. But that's what America wants, right?

California and Massachusetts both want to ban spanking. Silly Liberals. Fear of punishment is the only thing that keeps kids in line.

I fear for America's future. Hawkins isn't going to be the last copycat pussy. (No pun intended)

Infidel

2007-09-14T18:32:00.001-07:00

It's Been a While

2007-06-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

There are two types of people in this world. Those that think Pete Rose should be in the hall of fame, and those that don't.

** Question **

Why can't i stop listening to Colin Hay's "(I Just Don't Think I'll Ever) Get Over You"?

** 3 Things to See **

Pagnini

Only first 3 mins = Bohemian Rhapsody

Super Mario Bros.

** Prayer **

Can anyone reading this say a prayer for Clarity and her family?

Starting to Hate America

2007-04-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

And... "The Stupidest Woman of the Month Award" goes to Catarina Gonzales: "Emilio's mother, Catarina Gonzales, on the other hand, is fighting to keep her son on the ventilator, allowing him to die 'naturally, the way God intended.'" If that ain't an oxymoron, i don't know what is.

** Gun Control **

There is a serious need for Gun Control in this country. If Cho can fire over 170 rounds and only kill 33 people, he should've taken some shooting lessons. Some of those gang-bangers should take lessons too, then maybe they'll hit what they're aiming at instead of the children. Gun Control my lilly white ass. Ooh, that reminds me, i need to work on my tan. I love summertime.

** Disclaimer **

If i have offended anyone with this post, please understand that that WAS my intention. Go read the First Amendment you damned PC obsessed fool. Offensive language is only going to be the first thing to go, people. This country isn't going to last 30 years at the rate we're going. In the history of Democracies, the average lifespan is about 200 years. We're living on borrowed time...and we're going to tear ourselves apart. Wake up!

I'm out!

Doggy Style

2007-04-24T15:49:00.001-07:00

Dog owners are the stupidest people on the planet. Well, at least now that Anna Nicole is dead. I suppose i should preface that statement. Dog owners that buy this are the stupidest people in the planet. I have new-found respect for cat lovers.

** Posts **

My posts are getting further and further apart. I'm sorry. As i've said before, the job, the girl and the game are all cutting into my time. I will try to update as much as possible.

Racism

2007-02-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

This bugs the shit out of me. Someone please tell me when this country is going to get over what fucking color you are? For those of you without the time or desire to follow the link, it's about a bunch of white kids that are throwing Gangsta-Rap themed parties where attendees dress up in baggy clothes, "bling," and other stereotypical black accessories. And blacks are offended by it.

Get over yourself. "...the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People said the party was not harmless fun. 'We once lynched African-Americans as good fun and humor,' said Lonnie Randolph, president of the South Carolina chapter of the NAACP."

No "we" didn't. "We" lynched blacks because "we" hated them. People are so fucking stupid nowdays. How come no one is pissed off when white people throw 70's or 80's themed parties?? Hell, i went to a NASCAR themed party last year where everyone dressed up as rednecks and drank Natural Ice. Where was the outrage there?

So there are two black coaches in the Superbowl this year...big fucking deal. Black people need to get over their blackness if they want white people to get over it. Why do we have to keep celebrating the first black person to do this or do that? Aren't we over it now? Aren't blacks people too? Is anyone suprised that a black person can perform surgery? or fly a space shuttle? Why do we care if he can coach a football team? /rant

** Apology **

Sorry i haven't updated in a while. Computer games, a new job, a new girl, and beer have conspired against me and stolen precious hours from my days of late. I know it's not an excuse, but it's the truth. Oh, and laziness.

So yeah, the new gf is great. Perfect. The new job is in the same place but keeps me away from my desk most of the day. Beer, no explanation needed there.

Will update again soon.

Oh, and if you think i'm racist, then you're more stupid than you look.

New Leaf?

2007-01-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been yet another month since i last updated. I think it's becoming a theme. To prove it, here is a meme stolen from Binsk that she used over a month ago. I meant to copy it then but got lost in... well, nevermind. Without further ado.

First line of my blog from each month in 2006....

Jan: Holy crap i've been a busy little bee lately.

Feb: Sex...No, not the good kind.

Mar: Well, it looks as though it's time to go roommate shopping again.

Apr: Aren't you glad i don't get paid to write?

May: When did dying become so intolerable?

Jun: Texas is God's country.....my ass!

Jul: I hope you all have your fingers today. (july 5th)

Aug: Ok, seriously. Did Andy die?

Sept: I got this email from my Mom over the weekend.

Oct: Happy Halloween everyone.

Nov: Please tell me you voted.

Dec: Once again, i lag.

See, there's a theme. I'll update soon, i promise.

Merry Fucking Christmas

2006-12-15T16:35:00.000-08:00

Once again, i lag. As one might expect, the new job is keeping me quite busy. I'm rarely at my desk anymore, but that's good, because it seems to make the day go faster. The downside; the day seems to go by faster. Translation; it seems like i'm getting less work getting done. But i'm enjoying it, and that's the whole point, right? I mean, why in the world would anyone become a porn star? 'Cause they like their job? Nah....

** Christmas List **

So what do you want for Christmas? I mean REALLY want? I'll give you an example. I want this but there isn't any way i'm putting it on my Christmas list. I'm not getting anyone a $1,200 gift this year, so i certainly wouldn't wish for one myself.

Crash wants to get Lasik and so isn't asking for anything, just cash. Resonable request right? So that brings me back to my original question. What do you REALLY want for Christmas? That thing you have no business asking for; unless you give head like Linda Lovelace and your husband is obscenely rich. Or if you're a guy, you married Theresa Heinz and can't be President. Money is no object, what do you want? Try not to be silly. I know, it's hard (it goes away after showering) but try.

** PC **

Are the pussies on their way out? Is political correctness dying?

Dear Lord,
Please give me my Christmases back and make the rest of the nation less afraid of saying what they want to say instead of the things that "they" say we should say. I won't get offended if someone wishes me a Happy Hanukkah. I promise. I just don't want to go to nymore "End of the Year" parties. I want to go to a company Christmas party.
Rik

Nonsense

2006-11-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Not much to say this week. Hope you all have a good Holiday. My best wishes for you and your families.

** Stolen **

I stole this from Binsk.

1.The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
No one. Phones suck.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
To the cage in the parking lot - yes.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Listener.

4. Do you take compliments well?
They make me uncomfortable, especially when true.

5. Are you an active person?
Yes, but I'm really lazy. Does that make sense?

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
70% chance, unless it's raining. I HATE rain, so I probably die of depression.

7. Do you like to ride horses?
No. Those things are too smart.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
No.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Guns/Paintball.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married would you?
Adultery is adultery. You don't have to BE married to be guilty of it. Answer = no.

11. Are you judgemental?
I like to reserve judgement .

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Yes, unless she tried to push hers on me.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Pursued.

14. Use three words to describe yourself.
Reliable, honest,drunk.

15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf, you can't hear boobs.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Not yet.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you tried to save?
Ammo.

19. How often do you read books?
Once a month?

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Present.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
I Can Lick 40 Tigers.

22. Have you kissed any of your Blog friends?
No.

23. How tall are you?
5'11".

24. Where is your ideal house located? 1.95N 157.7W.

25. Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies?
Boxer-briefs.

26. Last person you talked to?
The Skirt.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
3 years?

29. What are your keys on your key chain for?
Car, parent's house, handcuffs.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Lunch.

31. Where is your current pain at?
Ankle.

32. Do you like mustard?
Yes.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I guess my Mom.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
5 minutes.

36. Can you do a split?
No.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
The Departed.

38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
No dogs, no cats.

39. What did you do for New Year's?
Went to my parents' neighbors' house. Lots of land, no
one to bother. D.R.U.N.K.

40. Do you think "The Grudge" was scary?
Creepy as hell! Not "scary."

41. What was the cause of your last accident?
Bumped into someone at 1 mph. Is that an accident?

42. How much money do you have on you right now?
$29.

43. What are you drinking?
Water.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, volleyball player.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
N.

46. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
Ha ha ha ha .

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
7 or less.

48. Do you like Carebears?
No.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Coke.

50. Do you know how to play poker?

Yes.

51. Do you wear your seat belt?
Yes.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
Pajama bottoms.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
I don't have a hometown.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
1 and a half.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Not anymore.

56. Do you trust the news reported by the local paper?
I don't read the local paper.

57. What's you favorite NFL team?
Whoever is playing the Raiders.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny!

59. Ever been to Vegas?
Too many times.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Not yet.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Not often.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I don't DL music.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Hell no!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't think they ever fought, at least not in front of us.

65. Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now?
I don't think so.

66. Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
One on Eve and the rest on X-Mas morning.

67. What's your favorite preparation for eggs?
Poached or scrambled with ketchup.

68. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would itbe?
Astronomer.

69. Are you easy to get along with?
Extremely.

70. What is your favorite time of day?
9pm-1am.

71. Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend?
The current one, what kind of dumb question is that?

72. Who do you hate?
Michael Moore and the stupid fucks at the ACLU. No not the entire ACLU staff, just
the stupid ones.

73. Would you ever date your first love again?
No.

74. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yes.

75. Current mood?
Anxious, it's 4:48pm.

Elections

2006-11-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

Please tell me you voted. One of my friends refuses to vote. Says his vote doesn't count. I tell him each November that he's a moron. He tells me the same thing. I vote for two reasons.
1. I believe. I believe in the system, i believe my vote counts.
2. More importantly, if for no other reason; my vote is a thank you to my father and grandfathers. A thank you to all those in the military so their jobs and lives aren't wasted. Some people think this is hokey or that i'm just trying to delude myself. To those people i give my most sincere "Fuck You." Go vote you ungreateful turd.

** The Skirt **

Here's another picture. We were at a wedding. (link won't work until i get home and change it because my workplace has blocked "Personal Network Storage and Backup" as well as "Tasteless", "Games", and "Streaming Audio/Video"....Nazis.)

** Douche **

I'm not even going to diginify K-Fed more than one line in my blog...what an oxygen thief.

Halloween

2006-10-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween everyone. I'm working late...again. It seems the last few years, i've had to work late on Halloween night. I've missed passing out candy (and scaring the shit out of kids) for like two years. Grrrrrr.

** The Skirt **

I have to give Pork credit for the best girlfriend nickname ever. I know he didn't invent it, but i'm still copying him. That girl that i've been mentioning....she's officially my girlfriend. And it's a lot better than i thought it would be. She's restoring my faith in the female species, and the older woman theory. Had i known they were this cool (instead of just suspecting they were) i'd have chased them more earnestly when i was younger.(older women that is, not females in general.)(...although i do wish i'd started earlier with them too.) Right. Moving on...

No games. Just fun. Baggage you ask? Who doesn't have baggage? Hell, i have baggage. Anyway, she makes me laugh like i haven't laughed in a while. I feel goofy(er) and more secure when she's around. Maybe you'll meet her someday. Oh what the hell, here's a picture.

** What Else? **

So i'd like to blame my lack of posting on my courtship of said skirt, but the truth is i've just been lazy and not really motivated to post. I haven't been playing my game (unlike some addicts i know) as much as i'd like to either. But i did get a promotion and a raise recently. I'd like to take credit for it, but it was mostly my bosses doing. So in way i guess i must be doing something right....

** North Korea **

Has anyone noticed how Kim Jong il dresses like Dr. Evil? Am i the only one that thinks so? Is this guy watching wayyyyyyy to much American TV?

Mile a Minute

2006-09-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. I don't know if you remember, but i mentioned that September was going to be one hell of a month. Well it's almost over. One more action-packed weekend to go. The folks are going to be in town and we're having a Survivor themed camping trip. Games, rewards, teams, etc... I'm going to name my tribe "Los Burrachos." Beware!

** To Catch a Thief **

Remember that "date?" Like i said, it went pretty well. She came to the wedding with me the weekend after that and we went to dinner a couple nights after that. Then we went costume shopping a few days after that (for the roommate's party). I like this girl a lot. Too much. It's starting to scare me. I'm wondering if she's playing the part, and then when it's too late for me, she's going to go for the kill. It doesn't seem like it, but then, it never does.

Maybe it's just nerves. Maybe it's that giddy feeling you get in the first few months of a relationship. Maybe i'm over analyzing it.

Anyway, like i said, she's older than me (which i've always been into), frighteningly attractive, and not too uptight. I've admired her for years, but it was her that started the relationship if you will. I've said it before and i'll say it again; men don't do too well with hints. And she had to get pretty blunt before i figured out she wanted me to ask her out. I'm glad she was persitant.
*enough of this sappy crap*

** Boobs and Booze **

Crash bought a boat. That's a scary sentence, huh? He says he wants to learn to dive and take people out on it to make some extra cash. I really don't think he realizes how expensive it's going to be to own a boat, but hey, it's gonna be fun! I can't wait to drink beer in the middle of the ocean and get sun-burned. I'm gonna take diving lessons too. I gotta find him a bumper stick for it. I'm thinkin: "My other toy has tits."

Love

2006-09-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

I got this email from my mom over the weekend.

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Carl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who yo u hate,"
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

** Date **

My date went well this weekend. Very well. That's all i'm saying for now.

Update

2006-08-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously. Did Andy die? Has anyone seen or heard from this guy?

** Development **

I've been single for just over six years. It's been wonderful. I can remember almost 14 months of it. Anyway, as you know, Bouby is getting married next month and i've been looking for a date. Well kinda. My friend from Dallas was going to go, and when i went to visit, it was awkward. Old news. Anyway she's not going anymore.

I've found a new date. A girl from work. She's a bit older than me, which is hot, and she's pretty cool. No real hang ups as far as i can see.

** Jeffs **

Ok what's up with this doucher!? And here's what i really want to know... "Law enforcement officials had feared the possibility of a violent showdown in trying to capture Jeffs, who was believed to travel with heavily armed security guards. But in the end, the only people with the polygamist leader when he was captured were his brother and one of his wives, Naomi Jeffs. They were released without charges." Why weren't these people arrested and charged with harboring a fugitive?

And why would women put up with this? Are they that afraid to leave? Is there self-esteem that low that they have to share a husband? Do they really enjoy/embrace the lifestyle that is polygamy? I'm seriously asking, does anyone know? And how come there isn't a male equivalent of this type of society? Doesn't that tip them off that maybe this is because the males are dominating/controlling this arrangement? or are the women/children secluded from the rest of the world so they don't know what's going on?

Scary. Just fucking scary! And i thought all the religious nuts were in the Middle East and Virginia. Learn something new everyday.

** September **

September is going to be one hell of a month. I've got a wedding to go to, a funeral, a bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, a camping trip, 3 themed parties, 2 softball leagues, soccer, and the new skirt to juggle. I don't know when the hell i'm going to have time (or money) for my best friend, Bourbon. I hope he'll understand.

** I want a new job **

I've said it once, i'll say it again. Someone please tell me where to go to apply to be an executioner. Click here.

Magical Mystery Mix Chain CD

2006-08-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Blue Meany sent me a CD on Tuesday called the "Magical Mystery Mix Chain CD." The point of which is to figure out what songs are on it and who sang them. Then Blue Meany will post on her site the REAL song names and performers and we'll see how we did. Below is my attempt:

1. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now. A duet by two people i recognize but for the life of me, can't remmember their names.
2. My guess is Queen of my Double-Wide. My lack of country music knowledge hides this artists name.
3. Get Back in the Shade?? But i KNOW it's by John Lennon.
4. Again, purely a guess: Wasted but Ready. I don't know who sings his.
5. I think this one is called Mexicali Blues. Grateful Dead
6. Easy! Santeria. Sublime
7. In Love with a Stripper?? But i know it's Wyclef Jean because he rocks.
8. Something about He-Man raping Skeletor. This one was humerous, but very disturbing.
9. We're Dead?? Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
10. ??? Sounds like the The Beatles but i've never heard this song before.
11. Rock Bottom Girls. Queen
12. Crimson and Clover. Heart. For some reason this song makes me feel good. I must have heard it at some good time during my life, but i don't remember anything about it.
13. Again, my lack of county music forces me to guess: Next Time. Reba McIntire??
14. What do you do? Lil Kim and ??
15. Matilda. They guy who sings the song in Beetlejuice.
16. Why i Don't Live Here? Bob Dylan
17. The Taliban. Ok, i have no idea who this was, but the song was hilarious!
18. Never? No Idea!
19. This song talked a lot about making shoes so my guess is The Cobler And a lot of it was in Italian so i'll say by: Father Guido Sarducci.
20. If you don't say Mercedes Benz, by Janis Joplin, you should be shot!
21. Get Your Hands off of my Woman. The Darkness. This is the cheesiest band in the world. My roommate brought it home one day and i almost evicted him. But then he made me listen to Love on the Rocks (with No Ice), so i let him stay.
22. I Did it My Way. Sex Pistols? Ramones?

You know what i just realized? I SUCK AT THIS GAME.

Wedding Season

2006-07-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

One down, one to go.

It was nice. Very quick ceremony, WONDERFUL dinner, and lots of dancing. It was fairly hot and humid, and most people were visibly uncomfortable but it was set in the middle of a nature park, tucked away in the canyon. When a breeze came by, it was delightful. As i was leaving, the cops where pulling in. I thought that was strange due to the fact that they'd rented the place out, and it was a wedding. Here's a couple pictures:

Myself and some of the boys:

Crash:

Yes, he's as trashed as he looks. He was flammable. "Tact? Is that an Army acronym?"

** Tired **

I've been really tired lately. I think i need to change my diet. More salad, more chicken and fish . . .
Anyone have any suggestions for fish that doesn't taste like fish?

** Addendum **

What the hell is going on here?! They're fighting on whether or not "The Jerry Springer" show is unfit for British TV... click here. That crap isn't fit for American television and is definetly not representative of American life. Who ever exported that drivel should be shot. No wonder the world thinks we're all ignorant white trash. FUCK! Why can't people keep their skeletons in their closets? Yeah i'm talking to you, America!

Filler II

2006-07-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to a distillery? You know that mash that floats to the top of the vat? The stuff that looks like we sawdust, maple syrup and mustard seed... Yeah, that's what my brain feels like today. I think i need to start excersizing. Running, swiming... something. Getting out of bed this week has take all the energy i can muster. I usually leave the house at 7:30, but today i laid in bed until 7:32. I made it to work with 2 minutes to spare. I even brushed my teeth.

** Raise **

Crash just called. He said he just got a 25% raise. Wow. I didn't ask what he had to do for such a raise. Which begs the question, what is the worst thing you've ever been asked to do at work? (Legal or otherwise.) I'll tell you mine: Wire money to my boss while he was in Vegas, without the funds.
Wait, no... i had to bury a large dog once. He said it was a Great Dane, but he wouldn't let me see inside the bag. He knew how much i love dogs and said it would just make me sad. I think he was right. He was good boss. Always looking out for us.

** Another Wedding **

Have another wedding to go to this weekend. My date for this particular soiree fits in my coat pocket. ;)
It's actually a pretty rowdy group, with a large family; several of which are Berkeley gradutes. I'm trying to decide between my Pro-Bush or Give-War-a-Chance t-shirts, so it should be fun. I'll let you know on Monday.

** Lawn Duty **

Over the weekend, my roommate decided he finally had enough of our oleander bush in the back yard. What began as a trim turned into a brutal slaying. Now there are only nubs and stumps where a possom haven used to be. The rest of the yard looks like flora Jonestown, and since the garbage men won't pick up three tons of green refuse in one haul, it's going to take us weeks of stuffing our garbage cans to get rid of it little-by-little. Someone suggested taking it down to the dump, but i figure we can just make tea out of some of the leaves while it's sitting there waiting to get chopped up. We've got nothing but time.

So that's my evening. Cull all the branches into trash-can-stuffable sizes and make a pile for future trash days. Oh joy! It's not all that bad really. The evenings are still cool, and Jim will be there to keep me company.

4th of July

2006-07-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

I hope you all have your fingers today. Did you all have a good weekend? Mine wasn't too bad, except for the $250 fine i got for lighting bottle rockets in my back yard. No warning, first offense; BAM! "Thank you, officer. Have a nice day, officer. Can i pull up my pants, officer?"

Ok, let's be fair. Yes saw the signs at the post office that says my city has banned fireworks. Yes i knew all the roofs around my neighborhood are made of wood. Yes i know it hasn't rained in 248 days. Yes i know it was wrong. I still don't have to like it. *pout*

$250 is a lot of beer! A LOT!

Ok, so the good part. On Tuesday i sobered up just long enough to drive down to Dana Point and watch the show with my brother and his buddy. He's got a porch that's almost an acre and can see the ocean. They shot the show from a barge off shore. Pretty cool.

Not much else to tell. Got 3 Ben Harper CD's this weekend. I don't know why but my music has gotten really mellow all of a sudden. Harper, Johnson, Chapman, etc . . . Is this a stage? a symptom? do i ask to many questions? Hmmmm.

** Holy. Crap! **

How is this possible? (another question) This woman just keeps getting sexier and sexier. If i saw this woman on the street, i would probably ACTUALLY fall down. I think my knees would be that weak. Am i the only one that feels this way?

Click me:

Oh Mommy!

NASA's getting soft

2006-06-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

When did dying become so intolerable? When did America become such pussies? The astronauts of the 60's, the astronauts of "The Right Stuff" knew they could die at any moment. And most of them relished in the thought. "My job is so badass, i could die....man, chicks are gonna love that!" they told themselves in astronaut college. They knew the risks, they accepted them. They were fine with it. Why isn't NASA willing to take risks anymore?

** OMG **

As i was on IMDB looking for that Right Stuff link, Elisha's picture was on the front page. Ya'll, if we're not careful, if we don't watch this little tart, and every move she makes, she could end up ruling the world. Mark my words, ladies and gentlemen. Beware the Cuthbert. *shudder*

"That's hot."
-Paris

Recovered (physically anyway)

2006-06-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

The flu is gone, and the toothache is a now just a dull throb. Friday is here and i can almost smell the beer. Oh sunny day!

The World Cup is now almost is full swing, and will soon get really exciting. Poor ole USA, still can't win in Europe. At least they gave Italy a scare.

** Next? **

So what are your plans this weekend, gang? Any daring do's planned, any secret trysts?

Me? Lawn work, beer, soccer, and beer. Any and all welcome.

That reminds me. I heard a joke on the radio this morning. How do you make a hankerchief dance?
Put a little boogey in it.

Ha ha ha. Sorry. I think i can dispense with the antihistmines and painkillers now, don't you?

Happy weekend everyone!

Bitchfest

2006-06-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here are a list of things that i have that are making this and last week hell:

- Broken air conditioner at work
- flu
- toothache (as a result of the flu)
- lethargy (see above)
- Houseguest in need; who unexpectedly brought 2 dogs

Oh yeah, and i'm trying to quit smoking.

I need your prayers.

Texas is God's Country . . .

2006-06-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

... my ass! There's beer in Heaven. Don't tell me there isn't! Texas therefore is not God's country. It's not even on the same land mass.

Ok, so i stop at Tom Thumb (some grocery store i've never heard of) to pick up some lasagne and other microwavable dinners (because i notice that there's a microwave in my hotel room), some beer and chips. The usual, right? I couldn't find any beer. I went up every aisle and up and down the front and back.
"Hmmm. This must be some health food or Christian grocery store," i think to myself.

So i go to 7-11, "There's nothing in there that's good for me." No beer.

I should have figured it out by now, but in my sober stupor i'm obviously not in thinking straight, and decide to stop once more at a gas station. There's chips, soda, candy, snack cakes, chewing tobacco, gatorade, redvines, condoms, EVERYTHING BUT BEER. And it finally dawns on me, "Am i in a dry county?" i ask the clerk.
"Sure are. If yaunt sum beer, yukin drive on down the road a bit. It's a ways but onaccasion i enjoy misef a pull or two of ..."
"Whatever, thanks."

I didn't mean to sound curt or cut him off, and i hope i didn't sound that way to him, but i also didn't want to stand there and listen to 10 minutes of idle chatter (as the Southerner is oft capabale) in stiffling humidity while my BAC dropped to dangerously legal limits. This. would. not. do.

No i did not drive down the road a bit, no i did not hijack the next passing Budweiser van (that stuff is nasty), and no i did not go back to 7-11 for NyQuil. Yes i thought about each of them.
Instead i just went back to the room, nuked my little micromeal and searched for some racy movie on the free HBO. None. God's country indeed. *huff*

** Wedding Date **

I met with my friend while i was there too. (I did finally get a beer when we went to a small English pub called the "Londoner." I had shepherd's pie and it was everything i remembered it being. That may be the most delicious meal on that side of the ocean. Man i love shepherd's pie.) It was, well, not as cozy as one would have hoped. I just don't think there was a spark. Perhaps it was nerves. Maybe one of us was too coarse. I don't know. I'll let you know how it goes though...

Gotta find a beer truck.

Stupid Show (that i love and can't stop watching)

2006-05-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Who watches "Lost"? Does anyone know what the hell is up with the boat? And why Locke hasn't told anyone that the button is absolutely useless? I'm i the only one that is totally confounded by this show?

** Dallas **

No, not movie that's coming out. I have to go to Dallas next week for business. Does anyone know anything fun to do in Dallas? Are you allowed to sit on the grassy knoll? Do the cheerleaders have a camp where i can swim across the lake and peep on them?

** Ummm **

I don't know what to say about this, but it's somewhat disturbing. Those of you that have mild reactions to bad music or don't like Scandinavians shouldn't click here. Those of you that don't/do, enjoy. (The "freezer drum" is what makes it all worthwhile.)

Daaaaaaaamn

2006-05-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Aren't you glad i don't get paid to write? Me too. I'd be 80 lbs. and living on the street. On the other hand, i could stand to lose a few around the waist ;)

My exuse? None. Well, no good ones. Just your usual:
- Work
- Soccer
- WoW
- Softball

Work has been killing me lately actually. I haven't read a single email in almost 10 days. Oh how the shit will spread when i turn that fan on. (and I'm not flipping that switch until i find my SARS mask.)

** Wedding **

So yeah, i found a date. A friend of mine from high school that lives in Texas is going to go with me. She pities me. I think. True? Probably not. Don't worry about it.

She asked me all these wierd questions though, like: Is it an indoor or an outdoor wedding. Is it in the afternoon or the evening. What are the colors?

Huh? Does it matter? When's your bedtime? Men just show up to stuff when they're supposed to. We don't know all the particulars. That's why we have secretaries. I should give her the bride's phone number, huh?

Ok, i've said before and i'll say it again. I'll try to update a little sooner next time.

*hugs, with inappropriate touching*

Movin' on out . . .

2006-03-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks as though it's time to go roommate shopping again. And unless i want my rent to rise by 30%, we may have to find one... Quick. Rent's due Saturday, you say? Oh shit, too late. If anyone knows any cute, female orphans between the ages of 25 and 33, that love to do housework, you know which direction to point them. ;)

** Wedding **

As i mentioned before, Bouby is getting married and moving out. He's planning his wedding for September. And as it so happens, i get to be in the wedding. Yeay. I also need to find a date to said wedding. So you if you know any cute, female orphans between the ages of... ha ha. No seriously, i'll pick her up from the bus station. ;)

How does that work? While you're up there on the steps trying to ~~talk your buddy out of~~ support your buddy on the greatest day of his life, what is your date doing? Does she sit there by herself in the pews, wondering what's for dinner? looking around for cute guys? staring up at you wishing she was in the off-white dress? How does that work. Seems like kinda a crappy deal to me.

"Where's your date?"
"Up there."
"Oh, that sucks."
"Thank you."

** Reception **

And what about the reception. Is this really the place you want your date to meet the real you? Dressed in rented clothing performing acts that would get you arrested in 48 states? (The last wedding i went to i ended up naked in the back of a Toyota Forerunner, soaking wet from a midnight dip in the ocean.

"Is that my pizza? What happened to my pants? Hey gimmie back my pizza! Ooh, a surfboard...."

"Rik!!!!"

Don't ask.

Ok, i'm off to go girl hunting. Wish me luck.

Can you believe it?

2006-03-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

Hi Kids.

February 20th? Seriously? Has it really been that long since i updated this blog?? Wow. Maybe i should wait until Monday and make a real slacker of myself. Rest assured i've been reading yours even if you've not been reading mine.

** Work **

I'm really starting to hate my job. Our programmers here suck. Everytime one programmer fixes his code, he copies his new code and the other guys' bad code back into the program, or the error messages they create are in broken English. They are making my life hell.

It's not all their fault though. The managers are forcing so many new projects on them they have no time to upkeep the current applications. It's like building a skyscraper, but instead of making sure the ground floors are working correctly, they've moved all the workers to the top floor to build the next one. I just hope i'm on my smoke break (outside) when it all comes down.

** Happy St. Patrick's Day **

Be careful out there, kids. I want to read you on Monday. With that in mind, remember this: You're parents DO have a favorite child; but they still love you just enough to lie. ;)

Sex...

2006-02-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

...No, not the good kind.

My cousin sent me this website. This is scary. The green dots i understand. People do stupid things, hey you live and learn. What's scary is the number of red dots all over the place. WTF is this world coming to? If you live in the US, you may find Family Watchdog interesting. You can enter in your address and it'll give you a map with all the weirdos around you.

** Speaking of Weirdos **

I think i'm going to rent "Lord of War" tonight. THAT looks good. Amazing that one can make millions in the art of war while millions die of disease and famine in those same markets, huh? I'm just saying. And if you're wondering; yes, i believe it's an art.

** Haircut **

I need another haircut. Problem is, i don't like doing it and it doesn't feel as sexy when a woman isn't doing it. I'm taking applications now. No experience needed.

** Stolen **

Stolen, once again, from Christine.

Name:	Rik
Birthdate:	May 1974
Birthplace:	Stuttgart
Current Location:	California
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Blnd
Height:	5'11"
Weight:	180
Piercings:	none
Tatoos:	none
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	none
Overused Phraze:	Be careful.
*FAVORITES*
Food:	Ham
Candy:	Hostess cakes
Number:	14
Color:	Camoflauge
Animal:	Eagle/Hawk/Falcon, etc...
Drink:	White Russian
Alcohol Drink:	oops, strike that, reverse it...Crapple Juice. Mix apple and cranberry.
Bagel:	Toast with Nutella
Letter:	What? Favorite letter? I guess i don't have one.
Body Part on Opposite sex:	Bottom of the ass where it meets the leg. drool
*This or That*
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE!
McDonalds or BurgerKing:	BurgerKing
Strawberry or Watermelon:	Fruit = SB, Candy = WM
Hot tea or Ice tea:	Hot
Chocolate or Vanilla	Chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:	Hot Chocolate
Kiss or Hug:	Kiss
Dog or Cat:	Cat
Rap or Punk:	Punk
Summer or Winter:	Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:	Funny
Love or Money:	Love
*YOUR...*
Bedtime:	Should be 10, is really 1
Most Missed Memory:	Dad's Battalion parties on the beach
Best phyiscal feature:	Smile?
First Thought Waking Up:	Water....waaaaaa ter.
Goal for this year:	Save some $.
Best Friends:	Crash, Co-Worker, Bouby, Ginea.
Weakness:	Nicotine
Fears:	Finding Ms. Wrong again.
Heritage:	German, English
Longest relationship:	6 years
*HAVE YOU...*
Ever Drank:	Once or a million.
Ever Smoked:	Yes
Pot:	Yes
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been beaten up:	No.
Ever beaten someone up:	Never actually "beaten anyone up."
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
Ever Skinny Dipped:	Yes
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:	Yes
Been Dumped Lately:	No
*IN A GUY/GIRL*
Favorite Eye Color:	Blue
Favorite Hair Color:	Long
Short or Long:	Long
Height:	5'5"
Style:	Relaxed
Looks or Personality:	Looks?
Hot or Cute	Cute
Drugs and Alcohol:	Sure
Muscular or Really Skinny:	Neither
*RANDOMS*
Number of Regrets in the Past:	1
What country do you want to Visit:	Egypt
How do you want to Die:	GSW
Been to the Mall Lately:	No
Do you like Thunderstorms:	With lightning!
Get along with your Parents:	Yes
Health Freak:	No
Do you think your Attractive:	5 or 6
Believe in Yourself:	I don't think i exist, but i'm not sure. I'm Agnostrik.
Want to go to College:	Not again.
Do you Smoke:	Yes
Do you Drink:	Yes
Shower Daily:	Yes
Been in Love:	Yes
Do you Sing:	No
Want to get Married:	Too scared right now.
Do you want Children:	Not without getting married.
Have your future kids names planned out:	Chloe
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:	I think this survey was designed for the younger crowd.
Hate anyone:	I despise several people, but don't hate anyone.
CREATE YOUR OWN!

G'night, kids!

TomKat

2006-02-15T13:47:00.000-08:00

Tom and Katie: No one cares. Moving on.

** Paparazzi **

No one likes the paparazzi, right? They're vultures that feed off of celebrities, hassling and hounding them, making their lives miserable and running them off the road. Right?

Wrong, people. The paparazzi is your fault. All of you people that buy the Inquirer, People Magazine, or The Sun are feeding this frenzy. You are all directly responsible for roughly 1/2,000,000ths of the profits each of those camera carrying bastards' make when they sell their pictures. If you hate seeing Brittney have to hide from cameras on her own private beach, or Michael Jackson hiding his sons' faces, or some B-list actor have an outburst at some poor camera guy....

...Quit buying the fucking magazines. With no money coming in, they'll have to find another job.

** Valentines **

Who got laid last night? I'm sorry, was that rude? Humor me.

Did your boyfriend spoil and pamper you? Did your girlfriend swoon (see: put out.)? Was it worth all the hype?

** Lost **

There's a new Lost on tonight, and they're going to let the clock run out. Am i the only person still watching "Lost"?

** Last Section, i promise **

Ok, now go here and do this for me. (Please)
I saw it on Moonfaeryy's site and thought it was kinda cool.

Jordache

2006-02-10T16:49:00.000-08:00

You know what's buggin' the crap out of me lately? I mean actually buggin' the crap out of me...makes my ass twitch...

How can we go from jeans/pants so baggy that your underwear/boxes hang out at the top, to jeans so tight that your testicles are squeezed back up into your abdominal cavity? There are high-school aged guys running around wearing girl's jeans. GIRL'S JEANS! When did that become cool? Seriously guys, unless you have a guitar in your hand and 4 girls on your arm, you look like fags.

Am i that friggin' old that wearing clothing made for your gender is now not cool?

And when did my grandma's sunglasses come back into style? Jackie "O", and those two-tone metallic mirror things...please.Can.We.Stop.This? It works if you're a celibrity. I get it. The chick driving down the street in her VW Jetta; stopping at the mall; she shouldn't be wearing those. Just stop it. You're embarrasing us.*

** Apology **

Sorry i haven't been reading you guys as much as i used to. I have a lot of catching up to do. (That sounds awfully egocentric, but that's just how i roll. What you don't need my validation? Really?) Hmmm.

While i'm on the subject, anyone know what happened to WTF?

** Superbowl **

Yes, T, i did watch the Superbowl. I missed most of the commercials, though. I was drunk enough (and there were a shitload of people at the folks house making watching actually difficult) to forget that they were actually the most exciting part of a football game with Seattle in it. I guess i need to go to iFilm and find the good ones.

** Scared **

Does anyone else feel that the reaction in the Middle East to the "cartoons" in Denmark is a little hypocritical? Does anyone else think that the fact that telling another sovereign country what they can and cannot do in their own country runs contrary to the concept of sovereignty? That if we were to tell jihadists that they can't burn our flag, or beat their own women, or cut off their criminals' hands; they wouldn't feel just a little offended at that? I understand that the Muslim religion is one that defines people's lives, that the word Islam itself means submission to God, and that it can't be seperated from one's life, but you can't tell someone that ain't to follow the same rules as you do. Just a thought.

Here's another one. Do you see it coming? Can you see those dark clouds on the horizon? I think we're getting closer to that really dangerous "conflict" that they've been warning us about for, well, Centuries. I'm getting scared.

* If i know you and you wear that shit, i'll call you on it. If i dont', and you do, take solace in the fact that i'm not wearing it and not getting laid...take that how you will. Unless you're not getting laid either...in that case, you're clothes are the reason.

Where the hell have i been?

2006-01-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

Holy crap i've been a busy little bee lately. I usually update my blog in the afternoons, when work slows down. The past two weeks have been hell! We rolled out a new interface for our "customers" and let me tell you something: People are dumb. No matter how we prepared for it, the calls came in by the buttload. I've been swamped.

Plus i found this game for the ultimate geek. I've been trying to limit my exposure to it, and succeeding (for the most part), but it's kinda addicting; like marshmallow.

mmmmmmmm
maarrrrshmaalloowwwwwwww

** Superbowl **

So anyway, i'm going out to AZ this weekend to watch the Superbowl with the folks. Should be a good time, except for the $2,870 gas bill; because the price of gas has shot up in the last week as if it were pumped out of the Earth halfway around the world and hauled in a boat to America. Seriously? How much does it take to get 12 gallons of gas from Iraq to California? I think i'm being overcharged on the freight. Something's not right.< /tangent>

I'm routing for Pittsburgh. I don't know why. I don't like them, i don't hate Seattle. I'm not going to spend too much time on this one. Beer, sandwiches, laying around the living room. That's what i'm talking about.

** Moving Out **

Bouby says he's moving out. He says he's thinking about getting married. I think it's time to move closer to the beach.

"What exactly would you say...

2006-01-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

...you do here?"

I was reading Tammy's blog and she had a meme on there that i'm going to cannibalize. I want to know what the hell you people do. Please name 4/5 jobs you've had, ending with the job you have now. I don't want to know company/where/salary/how long, etc. I just want to know "what" you do. Is that too much to ask?

** Not Sleeping **

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I don't know why. I go to bed around the same time. I'm as drunk as i've always been. The only thing i can think that's changed is my new heater.

My ex had gotten me dependent on a fan in the bedroom for "white noise". Afterward, i would lie in bed and toss and turn, until i got a fan. I'd turn that thing on and it would just hum away on the other side of the room; quietly lulling me to sleep. For Christmas i got a little space heater for the bathroom because when i step on the tile floor in the morning, by balls freak out and climb back up into my stomach and the water from the shower requires an entire segment of Good Morning America to become warm enough to tolerate. But the heater takes care of that. The tile is nice and toasty, the towels are like fluffy hugs, and the mirror doesn't fog up anymore. It's like So. Cal. should be.

However, i've forgone the fan for the heater, leaving the bathroom door open, since it's monotonous hum is just as soothing as the fan's (although sometimes it turns itself off because it has a thermostat in it and i think that's what's waking me up in the middle of the night)(I'm an incredibly light sleeper)(I may have mentioned that)(Aren't parenthesis annoying?); and when i woke up this morning i was completely dried out. The inside of my nose was sore, my skin was all itchy/dry, I'm gonna have to think of something quick. My beauty sleep is suffering.

** Single **

Do your friends view being in a relationship as the default status? When you're single, do they ask you "When are you going to get a girlfriend?"? "Don't you want to be as unhappy as i am?"

The funny thing is i don't think they even realize it. I'm sure i did it when... What is this about human beings? Anyone? Seriously.

Where am i going with this? Out to get drunk, it's Friday.
Be good, people. Be good people. Be, good people.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2006-01-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hello, All. How was your weekend? Mine wasn't bad. I had a soccer game on Sunday. Our regular season was mediocre this year but we squeaked by and made the playoffs. (If you don't already know, i play goalie. Not because i'm overly good at it, but because no one else wants to. I love the position. I don't understand why they don't.) So the first half ended with us up 2-1. I'd let in a goal that had hit the ground in front of me and taken a wierd skip and didn't come back up as high as i'd expected it to.

The second half saw no goals until about 5 minutes to regulation. I dove to the right to get a weak roller and the ball skirted out from underneath me, was chased down by a forward and crossed back to the center....GOAL. A short time later, the whistle was blown and the game "ended" tied.

Since this was the playoffs, and there was another game waiting to be played, overtime was forgone and we just went straight to penalty kicks...

...my team was not exactly happy with me.

Fuck them. I'm human, i make mistakes. I wasn't even drunk this time! Long story short; I blocked two shots and we won 3-2. See you next week, bitches.

** Football **

Go Skins! Poor Manning. Ha ha ha Cincinatti. NE vs. Jacksoville...who cares? Since my favorite team isn't playing, i'm putting my money on Washington. Woot, woot! See how dumb i sound when there's no baseball?

** God Warrior **

Hilarious!

New Years...

2006-01-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, y'all. I'd have updated earlier but i only got back yesterday. As you know, i'd gone to AZ to visit the folks. We crammed Christmas and New Year's into one weekend. It was really cool. I recommend it. Seriously.

I saw two of the most beautiful things this weekend too. No, three. The first was a pure white kitten that Hippy got for Christmas. He named him Augustus (i know, he's weird). He was the most mild-mannered, loving cat i'd ever met. Very cute.

Second was a girl named Anna. She was a friend of a friend that showed up at our New Year's Party. We had gone over to the neighbor's house, who'd cleared out their huge garage for said occasion. They've dubbed it "The Lost Cowboy Bar," as they are all truly cowboys. Well, i've said it before, cowgirls have the nicest asses ever. And Anna's was no exception. She had the most captivating blue eyes, i had trouble talking. And when she walked away, my knees buckled and i fell down. Yes i'd been drinking. "Don't judge me."

The third was on New Years day. A nice glass of bourbon and this is the right way to end the first day of the year.

We went on a horseride down to the river (not being a horse person, i rode a quad. I can ride, but it's boring. And there wasn't anyone to impress on this particular day, so....)

I got my mother two books for Christmas. She loved them. PostSecret, and Found. Those things are fucking fascinating! We got them a new computer too, even though he (Dad) thinks "the old one is fine. It's fast enough." ha ha ha. Old people!

Ok, you guys, make the most of this year. You owe it to yourselves, and you only have yourselves to blame if this one sucks as much as the last one.

Hello?.......

2005-12-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

I got nuthin'. I've nothing to post. I'm sitting at work, it's dead. I walk around the office and it's like "Night of the Comet" around here, except there's no one on the radio trying to contact me. It's spooky. All the computers are off, and i keep expecting someone to jump out and scare me.

I haven't had Christmas yet...Crash and i are going to AZ this weekend to celebrate Christmas and New Years with the folks and Hippy. Something about everyone's work schedule conflicting with the most holy day in the Christian calendar...i wasn't paying attention. But no one was mad at me so i was happy. So anyway, i can't tell you what i "got" yet. So i'll tell you what i asked for instead.

*Shoes (Sambas)
*Jack Johnson CD (I don't know why, i just can't stop listening to that guy for some reason. I hope he doesn't turn out to be the AntiChrist. Ooh, speaking of which, did any of you watch that show on the History/Discovery/Science/Evil,Keep-Me-Up-Until-3am Channel the other day? No? Ok, then, nevermind.)
*A Sling
*A Maroon Dust ruffle for my bed. (damn, that sounds gay)

I don't remember what else i asked for. I'm falling asleep. I keep hearing people in the building but no one is here. I go and look for them...they must be hiding. Am i going crazy? Someone come and save me.

Man it would suck to be the last person on the planet...

Happy Holidays to anyone i haven't told that to yet.

I shoulda known...

2005-12-21T10:23:00.000-08:00

Before this turns into some sort of wierd Kari stalker site...perhaps we should talk about something constructive.

Do you remember the first time you tasted white chocolate? How utterly shocked you were that it tasted nothing like "chocolate."
"Why do they call it chocolate, Mom? It doesn't taste like chocolate at all."
"Quiet, honey. Mommy spilled her drink. AND STOP CLIMBING OVER THE BACK SEAT! I CAN'T SEE OUT THE WINDOW WHEN YOU DO THAT!"

I had a white chocolate Kit Kat the other day. Spare yourself this little departure from the expected. Much like that time in college when you decided to "experiment", and woke up in a patch of nettles on the side of the road with someone else's motorcycle next to you, this won't end well. I'm not even going to attempt the white chocolate Reeses Cups. *shivers at the thought*

** Burger King **

Has anyone seen this "King Kong" commercial that Burger King's got lately? You know, the one where the triple-Whopper lands on some guy's car and he turns around to see this mammoth burger, and he can't help himself and has to take a bite of it. Anyone know what i'm talking about? Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that the meat he presses his ugly mug into moves like "meat jello"?

It does redeem itself, however, when the guy behind him in the background notices the burger too, and his mouth instinctually drops. That had me in stitches. Good times, good times.

** Merry Christmas **

(image to be added tonight)
(Music stolen from Fin and written by Max Avery Lichtenstein)

Un-undefeated

2005-12-19T09:41:00.000-08:00

Did you guys see Indianapolis lose this weekend. I have mixed feelings about that. Manning and the Colts are pretty good guys, so i wanted to see them do it. There are few people in the NFL that deserve something like this *cough...T.O...cough* but the Colts do. I mean, c'mon. What else has Indiana got? They need something.

But on the other hand, i don't really like seeing records broken. It's like time is moving on and someone/something is about to be forgotten. Anyway, good game. Fun times.

** Have you ever... **

Since i don't actually know her, this is actually "stolen" from Letty.

Have you ever...

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
(x) rode in a cop car
(x) been to Europe
(x) done drugs
(x) Had alcohol
( ) gotten a tattoo
(x) run away
(x) played strip poker
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been obsessed with someone
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) peed in a public place
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Disneyland
(x) gotten the chicken pox
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) had a one-night stand
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) had sex at work
( ) had an affair
( ) been married....
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) been in a major natural disaster
(x) been in a serious car accident
(x) damaged public property
(x) been grounded
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) been on a helicopter
( ) been on a seaplane
(x) been on a cruise
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) blacked out
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) watched porn
( ) read a clockwork orange
(x) seen risky business
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now

** Kari **

Ok, everyone, all together now....
Ahhhhhhhhh.

Oh, Mommy!

Religion

2005-12-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about this last night. Religion is really just a bunch of people that take the same days off from work. Think about it. Give me a break, i was stoned and it seemed much more profound then.

** Perfect Woman **

Last night, i also had this epiphany: I figured out what i'm looking for in a woman. Since i've been thinking about this for about 30 years, the list has changed, been revised, and amended many times. But i think i finally have a concise, workable list:

* Someone that doesn't want to change me.
* Nice teeth/eyes.
* Will let me play with her boobs.

The first one is the one i added. That one removed quite a few from the previous list. I never actually had a real list before, but i finally had a revalation (hey don't patronize me, i've never been that deep or contemplative before), and that one item made all the others pretty much obsolete. I feel much better now.

So if you'll excuse me, i'm off to find my dream girl. My only fear is that she's at an Irish AA meeting with Santa and rational Democrats.

Wish me luck.

Be still, my heart

2005-12-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

How can you show a new episode and then show reruns for 3 weeks? Then show two new episodes and then 3 more reruns for 3 more weeks? This is no way to run a TV show? WTF?

Who the hell does ABC have writing for them? If next week's Lost (and the week after that and the week after that) isn't a new episode, heads are gonna roll. I don't know what i'll do yet, but someone is going to get hurt. We are seriously getting screwed by the TV gods here people! And it ain't right!

You may be asking yourself, "What is he gonna do?"
"What is he talking about?"
"Who let him drink that?"

Don't worry i've heard them all before. I know this is a dumb post. But it's my show. My one show. I'm not a tv junkie, i'm very loyal. X-Files was "my show" for a long long time. (I had/have a thing for Scully) Then it was The West Wing. Now it's Lost. All other TV, i can do without.

I take that back. I lied. I can't live without Kari from "MythBusters". She is a complete doll!

I've said too much already.

Superstar

2005-12-12T15:53:00.000-08:00

I just spent the entire weekend in an airport hanger. It's not as bad as it sounds, believe me.

The company i work for is one of the sponsors for the World Cup this year (2006) in Germany, and there was a "casting call" for extras in a commercial that we're shooting for said sponsorship. They were looking for people that either had some soccer experience or amazing photogenic qualities. Luckily, i've played soccer since childhood.

Hoping to be discovered, i signed up for the audition and come to find out, i was picked to go. About 30 of us were actually picked, and we hauled ourselves up to Van Nuys at o'dark hundred on Saturday and Sunday. We had to be on set at 7 o'clock, so i had to get up pretty early. I haven't been up at five-thirty in a looooong time. I've been up until five-thirty, but anyone with a healthy drinking problem will know, this does not qualify one as a morning person! After this initial shock, a little breakfast, and a chat with some of the cute crew, (make-up girls smell nice)(these ones did at least), it was time to get down to business.

Being an extra, i was fully aware of the fact that i was going to be treated like a nameless, faceless person; and i was going to make the best of it. Not being paid by either the production company, or my own company made it even more inviting as i was now responsible for none of my actions or words.

Most of the time it was "hurry up and wait." We'd sit around for an hour, then get called onto set, and stand around for 10 minutes before the director came over and told us what to do. Then we'd stand around for about 10 more minutes before anything happened. Of course, there was probably very important things going on that we were completely unaware of, but it seemed like we were getting jerked around, and lots of the extras were getting pissy.

Due to my position in the company, i know almost everyone, so i started making jokes; calling for make-up, going up to some of the "talent" and telling them that the director wanted me to do this shot, the sort of thing that they really hate to hear from the help. Stuff that extras have no business doing. (I was just trying to keep us happy (half of them didn't show up the next day, and that usually screws things up))

It was so much fun. I was really amazed at how old it never got. Hopefully i was able to cheer up some of us losers, although i suspect i was beginning to get on some of their nerves just as much as the "nothing to do" aspect of the shoot was. Anyway, screw them, i was having fun.

There was one opportunity for me to get a good shot on camera, however. At one point the director needed someone to walk in front of the camera and called out, "I need a body." Having not done anything of value yet, i volunteered and walked over. She began to explain the scene to us and was on the other side of the shot when she motioned to me and said, "Ok, you...'Body'....when i call "action," i need you to..." She called me "Body." I had to giggle at that. Later someone said "That was rude." I think she still didn't get the fact that we were extras. Fodder. Cattle. I laughed at her too.

Anyway, i had a blast, and am still convinced that actors should be paying the studios, not the other way around, because their jobs are fucking fun. Yeah yeah yeah, they work long hours, and do a lot of monotonous shit, waiting around for hours at a time, eating crappy food (actually we ate pretty well), and being away from home for months at a time, but they still aren't digging ditches, or sitting in a cubicle all day. I'll trade them jobs any day.

I'll let you know if "my scene" stays off the cutting room floor.

Memory Project

2005-12-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

This is a memory that was brought up by Luna Obscura, don't worry, the link doesn't work for me either. ha ha (You can click here for and explanation.)

When i was younger, much younger, my friends and i would go camping. A LOT. We were all of drinking age, but still lived at home so, as you might imagine, we needed to get out of the house to enjoy ourselves. You understand.

Where i live, there are a bunch of canyons. Not canyons one would imagine when one hears "canyon" but more of a V-shaped valleys that dead-end at the foot of small mountain ranges. Many of these are inhabited by very rich snobs that want to clouster themselves from the masses, but the ones where i live are more often those that are seeking solace from the outside world, freeways, etc...
You'll find quaint little cottages far off the beaten path, friendly neighbors, free-roaming dogs, horses. That sort of thing.

Well, my friends used to live in one such canyon and we'd go out there to camp because we'd be relatively undistrubed and could do what we wanted. One night we climbed to the top of one of the hills and set up camp under a full moon. Since it's rarely cold here, we just had sleeping bags, beer, a fire, and some other party favors. Without tents we were treated to the moon and whatever stars were still visible, BUT....eventually the clouds came in.

These weren't the thick blanketing clouds one might expect, but a thin, holey, almost afghan-like cover that looked like it was manufactured rather than formed by little bits of water vapor. All the holes in the clouds were regularly spaced. And the full moon, high above, backlit the cloud cover while still shining through and lighting the campsite. It gave this eerie bluish-white glow to everything, including the clouds themselves. Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was the late hour, maybe it was something else we brought, but i've never seen the sky like that before or since. And i will never forget it.

It was surreal and everything felt like a fantasy. Everything seemed a bit slower and quieter. I miss those nights. I miss those friends. I miss those times when my responsibilities were FAR outweighed by my need for fun and friends.

** Infection **

I've been infected by Binsk.

Write 5 random facts about yourself, and then list the names of 5 people whom you in turn infect.

1...Although i've gone by "Rik" for over 17 years, it's not my name.

2...I can stuff an entire package of Skittles into my mouth. I don't recommend it, however.

3...I can't remember the last time i was sick, and i've never been hospitalized.

4...Peas are my favorite vegetable, and i hate peppers, olives, onions, (all pizza vegetables).

5...I'm infatuated with Astronomy.

Kancho II

2005-12-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

If you are not familiar with the Kancho phenomenon, it may take a while for you to catch up. Go on, we'll wait.
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.
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Welcome back. I mentioned before that there is a picture that was taken awhile back, and here it is. I've found it. Believe it or not; It is a completely candid shot of some friends that were screwing around, havin' fun. It's also a shot that i can use in about 10-20 years...as blackmail. Muaahhah ha ha ha!

** Misc... **

I don't know why i neglected to put this on my Nostalgia entry, but if this doesn't make you cry, you're not a human being. You've probably heard it before, but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about.

It Ain't the Poop

2005-12-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

Turns out it ain't some kind of fecal-induced disease. It's Tolosa Hunt Syndrome. It's some sort of thing "characterized by severe headaches and pain around the sides and back of the eye, along with weakness and paralysis (ophthalmoplegia) of certain eye muscles."

I promise we'll lighten up the conversation next time. All is well in Hell.

Might it be the Poop?

2005-12-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

** Might it be the Poop? **

Adnoid Boy (AB) is now in the hospital, or "in hospital" for all me mates. He was complaining of headaches and that his eyes hurt. His actual "eyes" hurt. Kinda scary. Anyway they did an MRI of his head and chest to see if he had a tumor or something. He said they found nothing.

Yes. I did take that opportunity to kid my little brother about having no brain. Never, ever, pass up the opportunity to tease a liberal. God smiles when you do this. That's why he makes them so miserable.

Side note: I saw a bumber sticker the other day. It made me smile:

Annoy a Liberal
Work hard, Succeed, Be Happy

So anyway, today they were supposed to do a spinal tap and some more blood work. The doctors are just as baffled as Al Gore is.

You wanna hear something not funny? My mother (a nurse and ex-coroner) and AB both failed to tell the doctor that he's been living in a house with shit all over the place. Shit! Apparently when he graduated, he moved out of the house he'd been living in and moved in (temporarily) with a couple of other kids in preperation to get his own place in a few weeks. Well, i guess they have dogs, and they let them shit in the house and they "take their time" in cleaning it up. (Lazy fucking college hippies)

I thought this was significant. Little children can get toxoplasmosis from playing around in the litter box....wouldn't you think it was a little un-healthy to have dog shit laying around your house? I thought so too. AB and mom said they'd mention it to the doc.

So i've yet to hear anything today, but i should get a call after work or something. We'll see. Sorry to leave you on such a sour note, but it's not as bad as it seems. I just had nothing else to write about today.
Besides, you didn't want to hear about the sexy dream i had about Rachel anyway did you?

** Christmas Vandals **

I almost forgot. When i walked out to my car this morning, i noticed the neighbor across the street had 3 large pieces of plastic out on his lawn. I thought to myself how wierd this looked until i remembered that in their place, just yesterday, were 3 large, obnoxious, inflatable snowman/reindeer/santa decorations. SOMEONE POPPED THEM. Can you believe that? I mean sure they are stupid, but who would actually do that. That is horrible. It was probably just some dumb kid and not someone with a religious/political agenda, but still. That's just mean! (I'll try to get you a picture of the "killing field" but it may be dark when i get home. Oh, how i hate winter.

Thanksgiving II

2005-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

The other things that happened at Thanksgiving:

Adnoid Boy was sick. (When he was younger he was hypo-glyciemic or something and was never able to eat anything with sugar in it. He'd always puke. Milkshake, Twinkie, McDonalds Apple Pie; you name it. "Here, AB, don't eat this too fast..." Four minutes later, it was a sugary wet pile on the kitchen floor. He had his adnoids taken out and that seemed to clear it up somehow. I don't know, i'm not a doctor.)

He was sick from the moment we got there, complaining of a headache and sniffles. The usual. On the second day, he started complaining that he had double vision. He said that each image was in focus, they just weren't lining up correctly. So mom took him into the vet's office. (I think it was the only thing open on the Friday after Thanksgiving.)

No he didn't really go to the vet's office. Anyway, they gave him some antibiotics, steroids, and an Apple Pie. Come Sunday, he wasn't feeling any better and mom took him in again. They then diagnosed him with Guillain Barre. I guess it's some sort of over-active immune disorder that makes your body start attacking itself. Doc told him to lay low for a couple of weeks and rest, no work, etc... Sounds like a scam to me. We'll see. I'll feel like an ass if he dies.

** Greasewood Flats **

On Saturday, a bunch of us rode horses up to this cowboy bar called Greasewood Flats. It's like an outdoor stage area/bar with picnic tables and firepits and some of the most gorgeous cowgirl asses in all of Arizona. Dammit, i gotta get me a cowgirl! I had to keep blaming my drool stains on the beer i spilled on myself. And i never spill beer. I really need to get a camera so i can start sharing my love of butts with y'all. Oh yeah, and all the women there sounded like they were from Texas or Georgia, and that was making me feel all squishy in my pants too.

I might have gotten some action if i were dressed in jeans and cowboy boots, maybe a stetson and chaps...but no. It was cold and i had to wear my cargo pants and a green flannel shirt. If i were a horse they'd have put me down.

Well at least the scenery was good.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-28T16:53:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those writers that (did i just call myself a writer? ha ha) has many interesting thing happen but can't seen to portray them and it seems like there's nothing to write about. (They may, in fact, not be that interesting, but they're more interesting than sitting on the couch watching South Park reruns.) So i'm going to try something different today.

Several years ago, my parents moved out to Arizona and built a gorgeous custom-built home. The house is basically an S-shape with a huge circular living room in the middle. Actually more of a §-shape. Well, despite the size, it's only a 3 bedroom house, so when my brothers and i visit, someone gets to sleep on the couch. It's usually he that arrives last.

Thanksgiving, however, was different. Since Grandma, and some of the aunts/uncles were there, the bedrooms were deferred to them. You understand.

One of their neighbors was nice enough to drive over his motor home and park it in front of the house so that we could sleep in there instead. (I may have mentioned it before, my parents live about 20 miles from any known road, so this unsightly motor-home didn't really offend anyone in the neighborhood.) But i didn't want to spend the night with my brothers. I love my brothers, i just can't sleep with them.

I am an extremely light sleeper. I wake when the furnace kicks on, i wake when the paper boy drives by and throws the paper on the driveway....across the street. Needless to say, i can't sleep when Crash (the world's fourteenth loudest snorer) is near. Combine this with Adnoid-Boy, (my youngest brother) who's got a cold is in the same proximity, and this was going to be one shitty Thanksgiving. So i slept in a tent out in the back yard.

"Rik, you're going to freeze to death!" protested my mom. "Yeah? Then i'll sleep good."

I didn't freeze. I think she was happy. But i'm not sure. At one point, while we were basking in the warm glow of the TV, letting our meals slowly migrate southward, we heard a loud clang from the kitchen, and... "When i die, I'm coming back as a man!" "Funny, i didn't think Catholics believed in re-incarnation." Had i not already been sleeping outside, i'm sure she would have made me. *snicker*

Later on we went horseback riding, had a campfire, made fun of the donkey, rode 4-wheelers, and got drunk. (more on that later) Not all in that order and not all of them independent of one another.

At some point, i also got a nail in my tire, but due to "Road Hazard Protection" it only cost $14.25 to get a brand new tire. I recommend getting all the crap they try to sell you when you get tires. I hope you all genuinely had a good Holiday. For those of you that didn't celebrate, i don't know what to tell you. Happy weekend? Love you anyway? Ah, pick something and let me know what it was. ;)

** P.S. **

P.S. I heard a good joke today

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

I don't care who you are, that's funny.

Christmas Confessions

2005-11-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

Why do i always start my entries with a question?

This one was inspired by someone that doesn't believe Santa is very impressed with her this year. (i've been fairly uninspired lately, i know, but such is the life of a... What exactly am i?)

Is Santa going read your Christmas list and laugh at you? Have you been that bad this year?

What if Santa were like a Catholic priest and (no, not like that) and you could confess your sins prior to Christmas, be absolved and get your presents?

What have you done this year that you regret? Who have you offended or hurt and wish you could apologize to? Have you killed someone this year? (keep in mind, the DoJ doesn't forgive transgressions like that)

You can either leave your confessions here or on your own site...

** A Little Ditty **

...from a co-worker's wife, to him, the other day

I was trying to get (their 3 year-old son) to take a nap today, and, as usual, 20 min into naptime he "had to go potty." So I let him...but I went to check on him after a few mins to make sure he wasn't playing....LOL he was sitting
on the toilet, "reading" the victoria's secret catalog.
Like father like son eh?

Flip/Pick/Riff

2005-11-11T15:37:00.000-08:00

Stolen (once again) from WCG.

Here's the idea.
1. FLIP open a dictionary and point to a word.
2. Type the word into Google images.
3. PICK an image that strikes you.
4. Write a 10 line RIFF off the image.
5. Use the word or the meaning of the word at least once within the first 5 lines of your riff.

No, i don't know what a "riff" is, but i think it means short story or paragraph. Am i getting old?

Laudable

Ever since the first day he'd had his license, Franklin could never get over that horrible feeling that he got behind the wheel of a car stuck in traffic. His show of restraint was laudable given the damage he'd already caused today. "If i can just make it home," he thought, "I'll never have to do that again.
"I wonder what Timmy got from the toystore? I didn't think that kid would ever be potty-trained."

Pulling into the driveway, he could see lights in the living room through the drawn curtains, shadowy figures moving behind them, and the faint flicker of the television.
He wiped the blood from the ridge of his brow, dragged himself up the short flight of stairs, and slowly opened the door.
"Daddy! Look what Mommy got me!"
Franklin only smiled as the hell of his day melted away. And a new hell began to dawn.

Christmas Already???

2005-11-08T15:35:00.000-08:00

Do you feel weird about making a Christmas list? My mother keeps bugging me to send her my Christmas list? I'm 31 years old and i feel like writing a Christmas list is for children. Am i the only one? "I'd like a sling, and a telescope, and a naked drunk chick, and some of those little chocolate coins wrapped in foil. And can you bring my brother a job?"
I'm kidding. He's got a job. He just never goes.

What's the one thing you really want for Christmas, regardless of price, plausibility, or even if it exists yet?? If someone said i'll get/make/steal anything you want, but it's the only thing you'll get...from anyone...what would you ask for?

** Things I've Learned...
...the Hard Way **

* Don't fart in the shower.
* Lighting 16 candles in a row will make your lighter hot.
* Buttons aren't toys.
* Especially the ones on escalators.
* Mom doesn't think it's funny when you steal the neighbor kid's pants.
* Mom does think tying your shoelaces together and giving you beer is funny.
* There's still lots to learn.

** Just for YOU **

Trade in your breakfast for a Dannon Frusion Smoothie. ;)

...Hoping no one else discovers

2005-11-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

It happened again. I called this title company today and got put on hold for a while. A long while. Long enough to hear this entire song.

Now i'm fucked. Now i have to call a dozen different companies and asked to be put on hold until i find a suitable song worthy of being confined within the hollows of my skull.

Do any of you have this same affliction? Do songs that you hear once get stuck in your head as easily as they do mine? Does it happen 2-3 times a week?

** 50 Years from Now **

In 50 years, do you think we'll still...

...have oil?
...be eating "real" food?
...be trying to get back to the moon?
...be fighting over Isreal?
...believe in God?
...have atheists?

What about 100 years from now?

Halloween Hangover

2005-11-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, i bought like 5 bags of candy. I hid it in the little cupboard/bench thing we have in front of the door. For the last week or so, my buddies would come over, get drunk and dip into the cupboard. I would see wrappers all over the coffee table and guilty grins all over there faces.

"Quit eating that fucking candy!" i'd scream. "That's for the KIDS!" They'd all laugh at me and sneak more candy when i wasn't looking. By Halloween we were down to about half of our stash. I was getting pretty worried.

Last night, however, i had to work until 9pm. When i got home, Bouby told me that we only had about 6 trick-or-treaters. Six! What the hell is up with that?! What the hell happened to Halloween people? Is everyone so paranoid about child abductors and candy tamperers that they've cloistered their children? What happened to the good old days of no seatbelts, and no helmets, cuts and bruises, actually punishing (see: spanking) your ~~little monsters~~ children? (I remember being spanked, oh DO i! And i turned out just fine.) Our kids are going to grow up with no sense of the real world. No taste of failure or pain.

Parents...
How come i only had 6 trick-or-treaters?!

Halloween

2005-10-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

I'd like to thank Tanya for sending me the design for these:

Yeah i know...the mouth fell off during the carving, but now i know, and knowing is half the... Sorry. It'll look better next year. Promise.

Do you like how the grass and the bush are dead?? We did that on purpose for Halloween. Yes we did. Shhhh.

I'm stuck at work and don't get to ~~scare the shit out of~~, pass out candy to the children tonight. Why did i sign up for the late shift tonight? Well, now i know, and... right, i'll stop.

So what did you guys do for Halloween? Send me pictures of your sluty costumes! ;) I love sluty costumes. Halloween has become what i've always dreamed it would be. I don't know what it was like for adults when i was a kid, but i don't think my parents dressed like the women do today. Cop with short skirt. Kitty Cat with short skirt. Devil with short skirt. I can't wait until i'm 50! What will those sluts think of next?

Dan Band

2005-10-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen "Old School"? You know the band that's playing at the beginning of the movie? You know! The one where he's singing, Total Eclipse of the Heart, (all lounge-singer-ish) and then he adds "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified then I see the fuckin' look in your eyes" but ever so slyly. The guests at the reception are pretty sure they heard it, but they're not 100% sure...
Then later on in the song, dude busts out, (with passion in his voice), "And I need you now tonight...I fuckin' need you more than ever..."

Yeah, them. I'm going to see that band tonight. "Dan Band" if you're interested. It should be fuckin' hilarious!

** Halloween **

Does anyone have any good jack-o-lantern patterns? I haven't carved my pumpkin yet, ~~because my mom won't let me hold a knife when i'm drunk~~ i haven't thought of a good design yet. I need ideas people.

** Other Fun **

P.S.
This is the best movie line of any movie, anytime, anywhere. (maybe)

Birthday

2005-10-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

My dad is turning 56 on Sunday. So i'm going out to visit the folks. They live in the desert. Seriously. Like way out there.

When i was growing up, my father was in the Army and every three years, we'd move. This never really bothered me until i was old enough to realize that there were people that didn't move around so much. Most of the friends i had were also Army brats, so they moved around a lot too. It was the way it was. Everytime someone asks where my hometown is, i just tell them it's where i live now, but inside i'm thinking, "I don't have one." (and cry a little) Just kidding.

So after my dad retired, he moved back to California, where my mother had grown up. About three years after that, they moved into a different house, and about 3 years after that, they moved to Arizona. I think after all the time in the Army; it's in their blood. It's like they have to keep moving. But it's been about 6 years since they moved out there this time and they still haven't moved yet. Yet.

Sorry, i got way off track there. Anyway, they moved out to the desert, way out there. They even have to have water trucked in once a week and they fill up this huge tank that's buried in their front yard. Two/Three years ago, they'd dug a well but it hit nothing. They're going to try again this year.

"A well?" you ask.
Yes, a well. It's 2005 and they want a well. I don't get it either. This guy has lived ALL around the world and seen things behind doors i will never get through. I just don't get it.

On the other hand, he grew up in Kentucky in the 50s/60s, and says can remember when they had an outhouse, when they got electricity, and when the Postal Service finally "named their road." Hell i can't remember a time without microwaves, so i guess that explains a lot.

Did i mention he has a donkey? I'll try to take pictures. Be nice to each other while i'm gone.

Blogger's Block

2005-10-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

I have serious blogger's block. I can't think of a thing to write. My buddy did find this cool thing on the web, so i'll write about that. I don't want to put the link on my site, for fear of retribution, i mean copyright laws. I'm not a lawyer so i don't know, but it makes it kinda like a game this way too.

Anyway, this site is pretty cool. You tell them what song/artist you like, and they find songs/artist that are kinda like what you told them. Then you can tell them if you like what they chose or not, and they build on your choices from there. Refining and trimming your tastes and expanding your library. There's a free version and a thirty-six dollar a year version. Does this sound like a commercial? I told you i have blogger's block. So go here and see what you think.

www.Pyrrha'sMother.com

** Bad Day? **

Are you having a bad day? At least you're not this kid.

Finally II

2005-10-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

I've gotten all the pictures up from my trip. Click HERE to see them. They are in albums "Alaska" and "Alaska II"

Questions

2005-10-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

Seriously, if anyone has the answers to these questions...i need to know

Why do they call it a "dateline" if they put a location in it?

Is $492 too much to spend for 4 new tires? On a Hyundai fucking Elantra?

What should i get my 77 year-old grandma for her birthday...tomorrow??

Why haven't they fired the guy responsible for Geico's new ad campaign?

Can anyone who's seen Crash tell me if it's worth going to see?

Have a good weekend everyone.
GO ANGELS!!

Skip the Controversy

2005-10-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

I was watching the baseball game with Crash last night and just before they started, one of the commentators was down in the stands interviewing a 95 year-old man. He said he'd been going to baseball games since 1920-something. He's seen Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Hank Aaron. Can you imagine???

I turned to Crash and asked, "Can you imagine living 95 years? All the people and things you'd see? Inventions, wars, fads?? Everything?"

"Yeah, we can't keep drinking like this for 95 years," he replied.

** G-Ma's Birthday **

We're having a BBQ at the house for G-Ma's birthday this weekend. My mom is coming into town too. The weekend after that, i'm going out to AZ for Dad's birthday. Isn't he wierd? Oh you betchya! My ex-gf said that i'm, probably going to grow up just like him.

It's so cute when you ladies think we'll ever grow up. But i have to admit, the look in your eyes when you do realize we won't; makes you the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Rik Needs...

2005-10-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lemming. Go to google and type "'your name' needs", and list the top 10 results. Here are mine:

"What Rik needs now is complete rest." Rik's agent Aude Powell warned that his full recovery may take time."
How'd they know about my injury?

"Rik 'needs a miracle' to recover in time 19/12/2001."
It's not THAT bad of an injury.

"Rik needs the money Annie offers, however, and he reluctantly lets her stay."
I'll let her stay for free.

"Rik needs to be considered as prime alternative and marketing costs further addressed."
I thought i was injured????

"Rik needs bail money."
No i don't, i was released on my own recognizance.

"Obviously either you or Rick needs to fix your clock..."
When?

"Rick needs to be able to get the team motivated and everyone play as a team."
Might as well do something while i'm sitting on the bench.

"A small seaport village, it is quaint and peaceful, just what Rick needs in order to write his next novel."
They obviously haven't seen my writing.

"Taylor said that Kimberly is just what Rick needs."
Annie's not going to like this.

"What Rick needs is a stable family structure, James advises. James tells the Chambers that Rick needs more than direction, he needs clinical therapy."
It's just a groin pull!!

And my favorite:
"Rik still needs an imaginary friend..."
And i'll call her Rosie. No, that one's taken.

Star Spangled Banner

2005-10-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

I moved. I finally moved. DL sucked, just like everyone said. I didn't believe it, but now i have to concede. So you can change your links if you like.

** Star Spangled Banner **

Do you cry when you hear the Star Spangled Banner? I do. I did last night too. There was the gorgeous voice singing it on the radio before last nights baseball game. I think her name was Joelle James. She made me cry.

** More Stuff **

So, anyway, i should be updating more here soon. I gotta finish pulling all my entries from DL, but that can wait, i guess.

** IM Conversation **

Tony: Check this out! http://www.shoplaser.com/index.html
Rik: What the hell?
Rik: You're fired!
Tony: Those are cool. I'm waiting for spinning emblems.
Rik: How much are those?
Tony: $39.00.
Tony: its a bargain for the bling points you get
Rik: bling points?
Tony: Bling points
Tony: chicks dig bling
Tony: chibooyaa

How do these people find me?

Finally

2005-10-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

All right. I've finally got some pictures up. There are only 70 or so in the album but i should have twice that many tonight. If you want to see how pretty it is up there without freezing your ass off, go here.

The rest of my week was pretty crazy. Catching up on "my shows" has been a futile effort. With the Angels making the playoffs, Bouby and Crash renting chick flicks, and too many commitments such as softball and soccer. I've caught up on "Lost", but still have 3 episodes to go to get current on "FireFly" before i see the movie.

Finally, if you care to see pictures of the recovery efforts in Lousianna, my buddy is in the Reserves and he got sent in. There aren't any gruesome pictures, so you need not worry about that, but the pictures do give you somewhat of a feel for what happened there.

Weak Update

2005-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've been so lazy lately. I am doing a horrid job of updating here. I'm a dick.
Here are a few from just one glacier.

Getting Old II

2005-09-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm done! I have to take some time off from sports. Something is wrong.

I played on my work's softball team and something popped on a sprint from shortstop to the bag at second on a double-play attempt. I figured that was just soreness from the previous injury, but when i got home to take a shower, i undressed (and was flexing in front of the mirror like Ahnold and i always do) and saw this NASTY bruise down in my groin.

You know what that means?? Than means "internal bleeding." I have GOT to take some time off. You'd think the fact that i was limping around like Jasmine St. Claire would give me the hint... well guys
don't apparently take hints very well. You have to be blunt with us. Black and purple bruises, not being able to get out of bed in the morning, and tearing/popping noises while stretching for the top shelf liquor has finally done the trick.

I'm going to see the doctor...

... when i get back from Alaska next week.

Getting Old

2005-09-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna try not to talk about boobs in this post. Too late! Ha ha ha.

Ok, i think i'm getting old. I play soccer every week. I'm the goalie, so i don't actually get all that much exercise, and ever since i got out of high school, i've made a conscious effort to avoid running. I hate it. HATE.

About a month ago, i injured myself. I pulled a groin muscle going up for a ball. I thought i could play through it, but it started to really hurt so i decided to take a couple of weeks off to heal. Well yesterday was my first day back. I was feeling good, stretched well, warmed up and i was only on the field for like ten minutes...WHAM! I felt that tearing feeling again. WTF? I got old all of a sudden.

On Saturday i'm leaving for Seattle, and coming back a week from that Sunday, so i'll get like two more weeks of rest. Cross your fingers.

** Whipped **

My roommate, (we'll call him Bouby) went to dinner with his girlfriend on Saturday night. Now, he's not pussy-whipped in the strictest sense of the word, but he does nice things for her, and since Crash and i are single we like to give him shit for it. You understand.
So anyway, we're sittin' around on Saturday after they get back from the restaurant, and we decide to play some poker. He calls out to his girlfriend, who is in the other room, "(Name), can you get me a drink?"
"No, i'm on the computer," she calls back.
"Bitch, i'm thirsty," he retorts, jokingly.

I'm in the kitchen and already pouring my umpteenth drink when the greatest one-liner pops into my head: "Hey, Bouby, what restaurant did you guys go to where you ordered balls??"

It brought the house down.

Armageddon

2005-09-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

There's a lot that i don't want to talk about.

Hurricane: over-played.

"Injustices" done to victim of Hurricane: over-played.

Kanye West: over-played.

Bill Renquist and Bob Denver die: who the third? I'm gonna put $20 on these guys.

There's not a lot of stuff i do want to talk about today. I'm watching all the news, and how bad it's gotten there and it got me to thinking. How well is my city equipped to deal with a major disaster/terrorist incident? I first asked this question a little less than a month ago. Thank you crazy lady. There was a woman that jumped out of a limo around 5am on the freeway. The limo was still traveling about 70 mph! This effectively shut down the main artery through my county. I don't even have to get on the freeway to get to work, and only live about 4 miles away and it still took me an hour and a half to get to work. (It usually takes about 15 minutes)

We are not prepared.

This weekend i bought a shotgun. And for now on, every time i go to the grocery store, i'm going to get a 5-gallon jug of water. And a packet of twinkies. If Armageddon comes, you can stay at my place but you have to bring your own twinkies. If you bring chocodiles, i'll let you hold my gun. If you bring chocodiles and boobs, you don't have to sleep in the back yard.

** Movie Quotes **

Oops, i almost forgot. Here are the answers to last post's quiz.

1. Better Off Dead, Lane Meyer

2. Breakfast Club, John Bender

3. Animal House, Dean Vernon Wormer

4. Aliens, Pvt. Hudson

5. Real Genius, Chris Knight

Movie Quiz

2005-09-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is quick and easy and i need to update so:

Here's a little quiz. What movies are these from? There are 5 different movies here, but they should all be pretty easy. I'll post the correct answers with the guessers' names next week. In the meantime, it's a three-day weekend; Do something for those in New Orleans if you can, party safely, and have fun!

Awoken

2005-08-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night at like 4 in the morning, and had that wierd feeling like i was being watched. You know what i'm talking about?

I'd recently begun sleeping with my window open because it's been so nice out in the evenings, and the curtains were gently blowing off the sill from the breeze outside. Their dark red fabric cast an eerie glow in the room and i was starting to freak myself out.

(Remember; i'm still in a groggy half-asleep state.) I began to imagine that i just before i had woken up, i was returned to my bed by aliens that had spirited me away in the middle of the night. Performing tests on me, probing me, examining me. But then i farted and it was vile. I began to chuckle to myself, alone in my dark room. I had drank a lot last night and i was laughing that all the booze in my bloodstream and the deadly fumes coming out of me would have ruined any of the tests that they had performed. I laughed myself back to sleep.

When i woke up, i had a song stuck in my head.

Hopefully, now, it's stuck in yours.
(Thanks to Clarity for instructions on how to do this.)

** 5 Things **

I got hit by DK to do this:

10 years ago: I was going to school, taking Criminal Justice courses in the hopes of being a cop, and successfully persuading my girlfriend that I would not leave her now that I had turned 21 and was able to go to bars while she would have to stay home.

5 years ago: I was living in a pigsty bachelor pad, drowning sorrows of an all too recent break up with way too much booze. 1 year away from a valuable lesson in drinking and driving. But I started a new job and things were beginning to look up.

1 year ago: I'd successfully paid off ALL my unsecured debt, and was living with my cousin and brother in a little house in HB. Still at the same job, thinking of taking up surfing. Looking for a new girlfriend.

Yesterday: I made a pizza, drank the rest of the beer in the fridge and watch baseball. Also got word that there is a new position opening up that my manager's manager called me into his office to ask if I was interested in said position. (I flipped him off and said, "No, I want YOUR job.")(just kidding).

5 snacks I enjoy are: 1) string cheese. 2) Ho-ho’s 3) Oatmeal Creme Pies 4) Coke 5) Chex Mix

5 songs I know all the words to: 1) All the old Iron Maiden 2) Hey Nonny Nonny 3) Please Come to Boston 4) Diamonds and Rust 5) Throw Your Arms Around Me

5 things I would do with $100 million: 1) Buy a large boat 2) Fill it with Booze and Food 3) Put some 25-33 year old chicks on it 4) Sail to Australia 5) Stopping on deserted tropical isles to "frolick"

5 places I would run away to: 1) New Jersey (just kidding) 2) Germany 3) Maldives 4) San Diego 5) Candyland

5 things I would never wear: 1) Speedo 2) Nose Ring 3) Rolex 4) Fuck Me Boots 5) Tampon

5 favourite TV shows: 1) West Wing 2) X-Files 3) Lost 4) Firefly 5) Science Channel

5 biggest joys: 1) Boobs 2) Bourbon 3) Friends 4) Beach 5) Astronomy

5 favourite toys: 1) Boobs 2) Telescope 3) Jeep 4) Matchbox Cars 5) M.A.S.K.

5 people I tag to do this: Clarity, Kristin, Tanya, Pete, Trey

Wedding

2005-08-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry i haven't written in a while. It was kind of a busy week. I attended a funeral on Wednesday and a Wedding on Sunday. It was hot at both places.

You know what i love/hate about weddings? The fact that all the hot chicks there are taken. Lots of guys really don't care, but i do. This matters to me. Some of my friends (including the women) say things like, "Who cares if she's got a boyfriend, go talk to her." I don't understand this mentality. "I care."

Is it just me that thinks this way? If i get some chick with a boyfriend to you know or even break up with her boyfriend and date me... i just don't see the logic in assuming she'll be faithful to me. Plus, i don't believe in fate, or destiny, but KARMA is different. Things do come around to bite you in the ass. I believe that. So why would i want be the one who causes this indiscretion? Don't you think if you know he/she is married, you're guilty of adultry too?

So anyway, yeah, no cute single chicks at the wedding. I gotta find different friends. Most of these ones are going to have little replicas running around soon anyway, that i'll either step on or get tricked into taking to soccer practice. Besides if i end up killing one, i don't just go to jail. It's not like killing your own right? It's looked even downer upon, right?

I lost my glasses after the wedding too. But i woke up in my own bed...alone...so it must not have been THAT great of a reception.

Oh yeah, my girlfriend (not that kind of gf) is telling me to tell you that it had lots of flowers and pretty fyushia dresses...(she says it's fuchsia)...and that it overlooked the harbor, sunny, beautiful, blah, blah. I remember it being hot and drunk. And there was a chocolate fountain. mmmmmmmm

Meteor Shower

2005-08-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

Last night the Perseid Meteor Shower dropped by for it's annual visit. I, therefore, dutifully set my alarm to wake up around 1am and went to bed a little early to compensate for the hour or two of sleep that i'd miss.
I was woken by the gentle sound of Huey Lewis begging me for some drugs. Unfortunately, i used them all last weekend, and i don't get paid until Friday. I'm kidding...i get paid on the 15th.

So i drag my getting fatter ass out of bed and head to the living room, when i notice that someone must have bought a cat sometime after i went to bed, because it pissed in my mouth. I needed some water. Don't you love a glass of cold water in the middle of the night? How it washes out that septic smell/taste of bourbon from your pallet? mmmmmmmm H²O (I know it's supposed to go on the bottom, i looked, it wasn't there.) It's the simple things in life...

After my lovely glass of water i headed back to bed and was stopped in the hallway by a small voice. "Munkie. The meteor shower." Ooh, the meteor shower! I almost forgot, thanks brain. Our sliding door to the back patio doesn't work well. It's loud. Very loud. Especially at 1am. I hate our sliding door. I heard a comedian once (don't remember who) that said, "How come you can go up the stairs in ice skates during the day and not a soul will notice, but that creak on the stairs when you're trying to sneak back into the house in the middle of the night, is as loud as a sonic boom." (or something like that) I ALWAYS think of ice skates on the stairs when i'm walking around in the middle of the night. ALWAYS.

So yeah, with the sliding door opened i stepped out and looked up to see the show, and almost immediately, my mouth dropped open, i was dumb-struck. The ENTIRE sky was covered. Simply covered...in clouds. So i went back to bed.

The Jungle

2005-08-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have a new pet at my house. Well, pet is not really the right word. She's kind of adopted our house as her own. I've named her Susan, and she is the most beautiful creature i've seen in a long time. Well, that's not true either. Cindy, the checkout girl at the local grocery store is, but Susan's #2.

It's a veritable jungle at my house. We have so many spiders it is impossible to reach the front door without meeting a new one. This is where Susan has decided to ~~set up shop and~~ hunt. Did i mention she's gorgeous? The images below will give you an idea of how big she is. The little red dots are where she's anchored her web, and there is also an anchor line that goes from the web all the way to the ground. She is an architect to rival Frank Lloyd Wright. I watched her tonight. She didn't mind. She just hung there letting out line until it wafted across the driveway, hooking onto the other side of the house (anchor point 2). Patiently waiting and waiting. Everynow and then she'd look down at me as if to say, "If you're just going to stand there, could ya grab a hold of the other end of this?" She's so funny.

Anchor point 1 is on the right hand side of this photo, looking toward the front door. Anchor point 2 is on the left, near the end of the photo.

This is a photo from the reverse angle.

This is looking up at her toward anchor point 1 after she'd woken up from her diurnal nap.

A close up of her hair-do.

And here she is in all her glory.

** Veterans **

Have you thanked a veteran today?

You can be as cool as me if and have a sticker like that if you click here. No, it's not my site.

** Iron Maiden **

Stolen from Tanya: The point of this excersize is to choose your favorite band and answer the following questions using the title of on of it's songs as the answer.

Are you male or female:
Alexander the Great
Describe yourself:
Only the Good Die Young
How do some people feel about you:
Losfer Words
How do you feel about yourself:
Sea of Madness
Describe your current significant other:
Innocent Exile
Describe where you want to be:
22 Acacia Ave
Describe what you want to be:
Seventh Son of a Seventh Son
Describe how you live:
Die with Your Boots On
Describe how you love:
Run Silent Run Deep
Share a few words of wisdom:
The Evil That Men Do (Lives On and On)

10 Things

2005-08-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

Ten Things i hated as a kid, but like now:

1. Tomatoes
2. Girls
3. Analog Watches
4. Sleeping In
5. Beer/Bourbon
6. 5 o'clock news
7. Church
8. Asparagus
9. My Brothers
10. Hot Babysitters

Ten Things i loved as a kid, but hate now:

1. Driving
2. Celebrities
3. MTV
4. Carrot Top
5. Pineapple on pizza
6. Snow/Rain/Cold
7. Cartoons
8. Crowds
9. Cream Cheese icing
10. Hippies

** You're Gay **

If you have a chihuahua, and it's name is Baby, and you buy it "outfits" to wear; You're gay. Just accept it. If your girlfriend has ever asked you, sincerely, if you are gay; You're gay.

What's amazing to me and my co-worker, is that her daughter is dating this guy. She's asked him the question . . . He has the feyg dog, named it Baby, and makes it wear "outfits." All signs are pointing to 'mo. I just laugh and type, she's worried about him becoming her son-in-law.

When you were a kid...

2005-07-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

When you were a kid, did you ever think that you might die before you reached adulthood? Did you ever secretly wish you would? Not that you had a death wish . . . but just that maybe you might die before you had to deal with it? Because it was so scary, so foreign, so uncomprehisible to you, that you actually feared growing up?

Bills, wives, children, work . . . oh God, WORK! Save me!

I did. I used to think i'd only live to 33. Actually i secretly hoped i'd only live to 33. Not that i'd ever take my own life, i'm Catholic. We can't do that. But i thought that my expectations would have influence over the events of my life, and that's just how it would turn out. I guess i could have "made" it turn out that way. But as the years went on and on and on . . . it got easier and easier. Life was something that just came; day to day. It happened, we dealt with it.

"They" tell you it gets easier, "they" tell you it gets better. But you don't see it until it happens to you. And you really don't see it until you've already seen it. It's wierd.

Now i want to live forever. I want to live until i'm 1,852 years old. I want to see civilization destroy itself. I want to watch everyone i know die. I want to witness the extinction of the squirrel. I want to be the last person on the planet, with a broken pair of specs and a library of books . . . dented cans of Campbell's beans and no plastic sporks . . . barrels of inert petrol . . . thousands of DVD's with no TV's to watch them on . . . hundreds of roller-coasters with no one to operate them . . . trillions of stars to sleep under, with no one to point them out to.

One of the damned. That would be my heaven, that would be my hell. But it would be mine.

What did you think your life would be like . . .
. . . when you were a kid?

Haircut

2005-07-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's gone. It's all gone. What have i done???????? Nooooooooooooooooo.

It was fun. I think the girls that did it actually had too much fun. They were beginning to frighten me. Anyway, i think these are mostly in order. I don't (didn't) usually wear it in the braid, but it made it easier to work with after the cut. Also it was hot so i'm sweating like a $2 whore. So here you go:

You can click on the pic for a bigger one if you dare.

$500

2005-07-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

The American Cancer Society has an annual fundraiser thing. You may have heard of it: The Relay for Life? Anyway, the company where i work usually puts together a team and they raise money selling baked goods, raffles, etc... Then the day of the Relay, the team takes turns walking/running around a school track for 24 hours. We camp out, play games, get sunburned. It's good times.

This year, i decided to go big. I've been growing my hair out for about 4 years now. I never thought i'd cut it. But lately it's been getting on my nerves. Blah, blah, blah, i'm sure you girls know what i'm talking about.

Anyway i've challenged everyone at work to come up with $500 to donate and then i'd cut it off. All of it. When i started working here, about 5 years ago, i had it pretty short. Like a #2 on the clippers. Little goatee, glasses . . . think Anthony Edwards in ER in the early days. Sad huh? So i'm thinkin' about going back to that look. It's easy, cheap, clean. I get to sleep in another half hour.

I think i sold myself short, though. I think $500 is going to be too easy to come up with. A buddy of mine came up with the "Save Rik's Hair Fund" where we'd have those that didn't want me to cut it to donate too, and whichever group came up with the most money would win. (All the money going to the ACS, of course.) But i wish we'd had thought of that first. :( Now it's too late.

Wish us luck.

Per WCG's request: 1, 2, 3.

Super-Zeros

2005-07-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Hollywood,

Enough with the super-hero movies. If i have to watch another preview about someone getting bit by a radioactive alligator, or getting zapped by gamma rays from some distant supernova, i'm going to develop a tic.

You guys are only encouraging more and more 30+ year old, single, dorks to forgo getting a real job and move out of their parents' basements. These people need inspirational movies about getting laid, finding girlfriends, and motivating them to grow up.

Encourage them to stop buying comic books, and DVD's of fictitious people with fantastic powers. In the real world, people have crappy jobs, have ugly children, live in small houses, and die. Make that sound more attractive. Or make more movies about boobs. Please stop making super-hero movies. We're tired.

Love, Rik.

P.S. It's as hot as a camel's sack in my office so i'm a little grumpy.

Insurgents

2005-07-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Finally! There are rules in war people.

Chaucer, John Lyly, Fletcher and Massinger, and Aphra Behn were all using poetic license when they said: "All's fair in love and war." Please read this story from the Dallas Morning News. It's about time the liberal media grew a pair and started calling a spade a spade.

If you're not registered, or the link above doesn't work there is another at Little Green Football's site, and a copy as well.

Write a letter to someone you know "over there." They'd appreciate it, i'm sure.

All-Star Game

2005-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, the MLB's All-Star Game was played. I, however, did not get to watch it. I had a double-header with my softball team from work. I will not go into how well we did (because we did not). I will go into why my brother did not get to watch the All-Star Game. Crash decided to forgo the patriotic duty of watching the "game that counts this time" and rent Phantom of the Opera. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure this is a good story, ALW didn't get rich and famous for creating crap work. But instead of the All-Star Game? Really???I wonder if he knows how disappointed i am in him.

** Random IMs **

Sean: you know its harder not to be hateful towards certain group of people when 70 percent of the ones you meet are fucking classless deuschbags
Rik: douche
Sean: ty
Rik: who are you talking about?
Sean: this asshole at work
Rik: ahhhh
Rik: work douche.
Sean: i broke a pair of these really old headphones when i moved his desk
Sean: so old he had one headphone
Sean: so i told him i get him some new ones
Sean: i said ten bucks
Sean: i give him ten dollars
Sean: he comes back with a receipt for 16
Sean: and tells me i need to pay
Sean: it was 16 because he bought an extender he said i should pay for
Rik: lmao
Sean: hes fuckin serious about this shit
Rik: i'm seriously laughing
Sean: so i told him after being nice

Sean: "Im not paying more than ten dollars for the two dollar piece of shit
headphones you had."
Sean: "Are you seriously sweating me for 6 dollars" I paid
Sean: "Ill go rip a fucking headphone off the phone headphones and it be the same thing you had"
Sean: then he said fine you owe me a favor then
Sean: in this condisending fucking tone
Sean: what the fuck
Rik: you're having a bad day.
Rik: you need a gin&tonic
Sean: ok good

Friends

2005-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Friends

There is a woman at my work with whom i'd consider myself pretty close. She's in her early 50's, divorced, two kids, a handful of grandkids, and an on-again/off-again boyfriend. He lives in AZ and they haven't really seen each other in a while. He wants the relationship to be more serious than she does. We talk a lot and i give her grief about being old and she teases me for being young/dumb. It's fun.

Anyway "g-ma" tells me today that "AZbf" emailed her and wants to go to dinner. She also tells me that she "just wants to be friends" with the guy. So i tell her she needs to tell him that. Don't hint, don't suggest; TELL him. My ex wasn't completely honest with me when our relationship ended (she may have been but when i look back at certain things she said and did, i begin to wonder,) so i told g-ma that she needs to be honest with AZbf. She owes him that at least. Men hate the friend speech, but what they hate even more is being led on. If you're not interested in him, let him know. "That way he'll know it's officially time to switch from pursuing mode to stalking mode," i told her. We laughed.

But seriously ladies, if you're not interested, don't beat around the bush, don't try to go easy on him or spare his feelings. He'll respect you more if you're honest with him. Not mean, just honest.

Open Letter

2005-07-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
I know i don't pray that often, but i'm praying today for those unfortunate souls in London. I don't understand how attacking innocent civilians can be viewed as a viable tactic in getting the world to see your plight.

Also, as a request from an Army brat, please strike down Michael Crook.

Love, Rik

** Thanks to Tanya for the link **

Aftermath

2005-07-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

I suck. I took no pictures. I took no pictures. I've never been good at taking pictures though.
There was a dual ping-pong toss pit. Beruit on the Beach, Flip-cup, 4 kegs, oodles of boobs, and i got sunburned to a crisp. I'll start to peel in an hour or so. I hate when you can see skin peeling on the end of your nose, and it looks like it's the size of a towel on your face, so you go to the mirror and its just this little piece... To top it all off, my mom is in town now, so i get to hear about how i need to be more careful. "You're gonna get skin cancer." This from the same woman that let me play AYSO and play on the beach for HOURS at a time with no sunscreen. I remember one year, i blistered so bad i couldn't even wear a shirt. I swear the blisters where the size of a quarter.

I did behave myself this weekend though. Are you suprised? I hate getting old, but i guess it's got its usefulness; keeping you out of trouble. When i got back from the beach on the first day, i layed down on the couch, watched "Shanghai Noon" and then fell asleep. My inner party animal just curled up and napped. That sucked!

Hope you all had good weekends.

4th of July

2005-06-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

My dad sent me this poem. It's got me wondering now.

THE REDNECK LOVE POEM

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yer ma don't know,
But Joe is yer half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell your mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yer half brother."

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

** Happy 4th of July everyone **

Count your fingers on Tuesday, you should have 10. This is from our 4th of July party 2 years ago. It's my cousin. He had the best time of all of us.

Weekend's Coming

2005-06-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

*singing* Weekend's coming, weekend's coming, i'm goin' out, to da beach, to watch da fireworks, and you don't get none. Wanna lick? Psych! I'm so excited. I'm going to have a special holiday suprise for you all. Check in tomorrow! :)

Probably adding some more of you wackos over there too -->

5 Things

2005-06-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

I got "tagged" by Tanya. Normally this wouldn't sound like a bad thing, but today, i have to bitch about stuff. Most of you don't want to hear me bitch. Too many blogs are about some random dickhead bitching about random stuff no one cares about or random stuff that people already know but are powerless to affect. That's the beauty of a blog. It doesn't need to "affect" anything. It's just fun.

So without further ado, (I said "doo").

1. 15 year old-girls that look like 20 year-old girls.
I'm tired of feeling like a pervert because i see some cute girl on the side of the street and i have purient thoughts about only to drive by and finally see that she's not nearly of the age that i should be having those thoughts about. Fathers! Do something about this! I realize that you may not be in control of your daughters' waredrobes 24hrs a day, but please instill in these girls some decency. Sluts should be at least be of age of consent. I beg of you.

2. People eating big fat burgers on TV.
This is not a marketing tactic! This does not make me want to go out and get one of your fucking double-bacon-ranch-cheese-mushroom-sesame burgers. Please? You're making me nauseaus.

3. The liberal media.
Half of the U.S. doesn't agree with you. They don't want tits on TV at 6pm, or gay people making out on prime-time. Please wait until 10 when our kids are asleep. Learn it, live it, love it.

4. Confrontational Vegetarians.
When i have a BBQ i don't need you to give me a lesson on how our food is "slaughtered." It tastes better when the animals suffer. I've accepted this. I don't care what you eat if you don't complain to me about what i eat. I won't chastise you for your choices if you let me suffer from mine.

5. "Truth" commercials.
I smoke. I want to quit. It's not the tobacco companies' fault. I know that i'll get lung cancer someday. When that happens i'm not going to blame my "husband-who-smoked-in-the-livingroom-and-gave-me-second-hand-smoke-cancer-and-now-i-have-to-talk-through-a-hole-in-my-throat." With that said, all you assholes that smoke in your car with your windows rolled up and your kids in the back seat: Shame on you. Otherwise, we get it.

I love you guys.

Filler

2005-06-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

** Is stole this **

No i didn't, i got permission from Kim. Now that i read it again, it's a little self-centered . . . but i'm going to put it up anyway cause i've got nothing for the weekend. Plus my hands will be full of beer, and unable to type for awhile. I also realize many of you may not know me well enough to answer any of them, so feel free to print them out and use it for toilet paper. Just be sure to put it on the roll coming "over the top." ;)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Neuter

2005-06-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Out of the blue, by buddy sends me this text message:

Chris:
(\(\
(-_-)
(")(")
Rik: Wow
Rik: I've never noticed how gay you were.
Chris: rofl
Rik: that's positively fagtastic
Chris: asshole, lets go for a cigarette.
Rik: ok

Isn't that a cute little bunny?

** Licensing **

I swear to God, people; we need to have a law in this country where one has to get a license to have children. I was listening to a popular radio show yesterday and the host was asking listeners to call in if they've ever had "a thing" for a cousin/aunt/uncle, etc . . .

THERE WHERE SOOOO MANY CALLERS! Holy Shit! This country is falling apart! No wonder the world thinks we're a bunch of godless heathens, hell-bent on destruction and domination.
This one guy calls in saying that he doesn't see what the problem is. "They do it in the Middle-East and Africa." C'mon, man! These places don't have running water or indoor toilets either! Do you really think it's all right to fuck your cousin?

Call me a Nazi, call me Fascist, whatever. But i honestly believe it's time to start neutering people at birth. If you want to have children, you can take a competency test to get your fertility back. I'll be the first in line.

Baseball

2005-06-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

I went to an Angel game last night. What a cluster-fuck that was!
First, the girl that we're supposed to meet there (because she has our tickets) arrives an hour late. A WHOLE fucking hour. You can't show up to a baseball game an hour late and not have to atone for it. This chick was like 20 years old, huge gorgeous eyes, long brown hair, and beautiful breasts. If she'd strolled up and said, "I'm so sorry i'm late," and flashed us, that would be one thing, but no. Nothing. Just a smile and a skip to the WillCall window. WTF! And there were like 15 drunk/stoopid/20-somethings in tow. This was going to be fun.

*Fade to 9th inning* Trust me you're not missing much, 'cause for the first 5 innings . . . I don't know what happened! (except for the drunks got yelled out by the father behind us.)

The Angels are down 1-0, with the bases loaded, no outs. They loose the game 1-0. How? How?
How do you not lean in and get hit? or bloop one into the outfield for a sac fly? or ANYTHING! My night was ruined.

I should have stayed home and watched the game like God intended:
On the couch with a Jim Beam & Coke, take a nap starting in the 3rd inning, wake up in the middle of the 7th inning, get another drink, finish the game, scratch my balls, and head off to bed.

I love Baseball.
. . . and now, completely off subject.

** My Favorite Smells **

* Gasoline - c'mon, who doesn't like the smell of gasoline.
* Grape "flavored" Magic Marker - ooh, tangy. Reminds me of grade school.
* Bleach/Chlorine - That just got out of the pool smell is especially hot on women.
* CocoButter - Again, especially hot on women.
* Burnt Hair - just kidding.
* Burnt Ozone - That smell just before it's about to rain.

Your Relationship IS based on Sex

2005-06-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Many of you older gals may not be concerned with this. But for you younger ladies, I want feedback!

My ex used to tell me that i think about sex too much, i ask for sex too much, i want to do it too much. Hell, maybe is sucked at it and she just didn't want to do it, but the way i figured. That was her job!

Now before you say, "Damn that's sexist," Let me explain something. You women may like to think that your relationship with your man isn't NOT based on sex . . . that you have other things that you base it on; but we don't. Our ENTIRE relationship with you is based SOLEY on sex. That's it. Whether you cook or clean, or have our children, or put money in the checking account....it's all just a bonus. You are there to have sex with him, period! Again - let me explain:

In today's society, we are expected to be monogamous. (This isn't something that most men have problem with. I'll even admit that i prefer it that way. In fact, if i'm even interested in a woman i tend to dismiss all other women, but that's just me.) In any given day there are approximately 100 women in your man's day that he can have a work relationship with. There are 1,000 women that he can have a casual friendship/aquaintance with. There are about 3 billion other women on the planet that he can play golf with, talk about his kids with, fish, tell jokes, go to lunch, watch movies, skydive, hike, hunt deer, ANYTHING. There's is only ONE women he is "allowed" to have sex with. This is why your relationship is based on sex. When he looks at you, that's what he wants, he chose you to be that person. Am i sounding unreasonable? Am i asking too much? Or are we still all perverts?

Nostalgia

2005-06-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

We've all got those songs. Those ones that when you hear them, you stop dead in your tracks, your eyes gloss over, you look through the wall and are more vulnerable to being hit by a bus than ever.
I usually listen to either old school metal, classic rock or reggae (i know, i'm wierd, but life's much more fun this way). But when i hear these songs, they do wierd things to me. I can't explain it. I'm also the kind of person that when i hear a really good song that i like, i tend to make a copy of it and play it over and over and over again until i burn out. But that little ember stays deep down there and never really goes out (like it does in some people and they end up hating the song) so i can still appreciate it when i hear it again. Without further ado:

Dave Loggins -- "Please Come to Boston"

Michael Knott -- "Cast Me Away"

Pearl Jam (Hunters & Collectors) -- "Throw Your Arms Around Me"

Gordon Lightfoot -- "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Kansas -- "Dust in the Wind"

The Comsat Angels -- "I'm Falling"

Cracker -- "Another Song about the Rain"

Iron Maiden -- "Strange World"

Buffalo Springfield -- "For What It's Worth"

Rolling Stones -- "Dead Flowers"

Jimi Hendrix -- "Isabella"

Paul Newman -- "Plastic Jesus"

Jeff Buckley (Leonard Cohen) -- "Hallelujah"

Ministry -- "Stigmata" and "So What"

Yes, some of them are cliche but it's how i get by. And there are others, but they don't come to mind just now. Let me know if you need help finding a copy of any of these.

MILF

2005-06-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

Can we all please have a moment of silence for "The Quintessential M.I.L.F."? We (the boys) have lost a great one today. A dream has died. Yes there will be dreams again, for there are more MILFs today than ever before, and they get hotter and hotter by the year. But our dearest mother has left us, the one that started it all. Gonna be some hot lovin' in heaven tonight ;)

We love you Anna Maria Louise Italiano, aka Anne Bancroft.

Hair

2005-06-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

There seem to be two types of people in the world. Don't pay any attention to all those other theories out there. They're shit. I've come to realize, though, that there are two types of people. Those that want you to cut your hair, and those that want you to let it grow out. I hate both of these people. It's my hair, why the hell do you care that it's on fire? Am i right?

I used to be adamant about women having long hair. They have to have long hair. It's a rule.
Then i got that taste in my mouth. You know, that realization-that-you're-being-a-hypocrite taste. It's pretty nasty.
I'm no longer going to tell people what they should do with their hair. Mine's long, it's going to continue to get longer.

Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

Die Hippy

2005-06-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night. I was sitting on the couch, when an episode of "South Park" came on. This was the most hilarious episode i've EVER seen and has given me newfound respect for Cartman. Eric Cartman is my new hero. I love that little guy! I wish he was my brother. For a short synopsis of the episode go here.
For an even shorter synopsis, Cartman kicks MEGA hippy ass! and we find out he's been a quasi-undercover, hippy-fighting crusader for quite some time, AND he knows what he's talking about. Eric Cartman is my new hero.

And for those of you that don't like cartoons:

** Pimp & Ho **

Tomorrow is Crash's birthday. He doesn't know it but he's going to have about 40 hookers at the house tomorrow. No, not really. We're throwing a themed party. The theme is "Pimp & Ho." If you'd like to have a "Pimp & Ho" party of your own . . . all you have to do is invite a bunch of your friends over and tell them to dress like sluts and pimps. It's hilarious. Oh, and you gotta feed 'em too. I would suggest burgers and hotdogs, cause hos like dey meat dat way. Anyway, if'n any you's gon be 'round da HB way, give us a holla.

Date

2005-05-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday i went to a baseball game with my Grandma. She's a bigger Angel fan than i am. Hard to believe, huh? Anyway, she had a blast, McPhearson hit a two run shot to give the Angels the lead. She loved it. I love my grandma. I think i'm going to throw her a birthday party at my house this year. She's worth it. And i'll tell you why:

On the way out of the parking lot, (she has handicapped plates so we parked up front), she was haulin' ass! She walks with a cane and I HAD TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH HER. So anyway we get to the car and we pull out and these two girls in the parking lot see me and say hi. I say hi back and think nothing of it. Then i hear them shout "Hey" from behind me and so i slow down . . . they ask us for a ride and i turn to Grandma and she gives me the "i don't care" look. "Hop in," i said. Once inside, one of them turns to grandma, noticing she's in her 70's and says, "Oh, is this a grandson/grandma date??" Immediately i start to blush and say, "Of course it is," in my coolest voice. (Sounds a lot like Urkel i suspect, but sounds different from inside my head, i assure you.) Anyway, long story short . . . they wanted to be dropped off at the bar about a block away. Not too far, but not a short walk, and we were out in like 3 minutes. (Fastest i've EVER gotten out of a baseball stadium parking lot.) While we pulled into the bar's parking lot, grandma turns to me and says, "Too bad you can't ditch your old grandma and go to the bar with these two ladies."

I love my grandma.

** Brownies **

Something special for you DL'ers.

My mom doesn't know i stole this and put it on the web. Please don't tell her.
You can thank me later.

Brownie:
1 cup flour
1/2 cup butter

1/2 tsp salt
4 eggs
1 tsp Vanilla extract
1 can (16 oz.) chocolate syrup
1 cup sugar
Combine all and pour into 13x9 pan @ 350° for 30 mins.

Filling:
2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 Tbsp water
1/2 tsp mint extract
3 drops green food coloring
Combine all and spread on cooled brownies. Chill until set.

Topping:
1 pkg (10 oz.) mint chocolate chips
9 Tbsp butter
Melt together and cool for 30 minutes (or until lukewarm) and spread over green filling.
Chill and store in fridge.

Kancho!

2005-05-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

This is for two special people. You know who you are. ;)

Flew 1000 miles
Vulnerable boyfriend's ass
I will penetrate.

Fingers at the ready
When i land in KC today
Sphincter will be sore.

Can't wait anymore
She's getting off the plane now
"WHAT are you doing?!"

Slap on some cologne
Got on my best shirt and shoes
It's in the front, Babe.

I learned a new game
Hon, would you like to try it
Ooh stinky finger.

Stealth is my weapon
So when you least expect it
KANCHO COMMANDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trampoline

2005-05-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done something so dumb you were ashamed to admit it? Not me, i revel in my stupidity!
Last year on the fourth of July, my cousin had a party at his house. It was designed as a family/friends party and lasted all day. The family came during the day and barbequed, you know typical family 4th of July stuff. Then when the family left, the friends stayed on and the real parting began. Two kegs, firepit, jacuzzi, the works. The barbeque was kept lit all night, and most of the guests were too.
Also at the party, was a trampoline. This in itself probably wasn't the best idea, but coupled with booze AND that someone placed a kiddie pool right next to it . . . this was obviously too much for me to handle.
I felt myself being slowly drawn by it's power and before i knew it i was bouncing in the air. Bouncing, bouncing, and then flying toward the pool. Aaaaggghhhh, splash. No harm no foul. The crowd roared. It was great, and i should have left it alone.
Never one to tempt fate, i climbed back up to the launch pad and decided to try something new. Let's say . . . a 1¼ flip pening up to a belly-flop. Sounds like fun huh?
What really happened is i over-rotated, pulling a 1½ and landing on my neck. A hush fell over the crowd and I woke up the next day with blood dripping from my ear, and took this as a sign to go to the emergency room. I had a ruptured eardrum, i chipped a tooth, bit my tongue and my neck was sore too.
I think back on it now and realize that it really was a dumb idea to put that pool so close to the trampoline.
I think there's video out there somewhere, i'll try to find it if anyone's interested.

** My Favorite Sites **

How do you get to know people in this day and age? How do you really find out what makes them tick? In days of old, you could talk to them, go to lunch with them, watch them from the tree outside their bedroom window, or steal and read their diary. Today, they give it to us, freely. Aren't we dumb?
I thought i'd present to you the list of sites i frequent. I visit these ones almost everyday, and won't bore you with the standard ones, like Google, MSN, and Howtomakeasandwich.com. Here's a little glimpse into my mind. Please don't leave any nose prints on the winndow.

This poor (FUNNY) guy is a huge black man in Japan teaching English to (what we'd call) middle school children. They have this game he loves to play . . . it involves his ass and their fingers. No it's not MJ, i'll just leave it at that . . . Kancho!

Sweet! Astronomy pictures. APoD

I send a lot of people here to settle bar bets! Most excellent movie trivia site. It's probably superfulous that i even mention it. IMDB.com

Do you have red blood? Are you and American? Skip this one if you don't like baseball, Commie. MLB

DUDE, Did you FEEL that????? Earthquakes

Do you like retards? Have you seen them do funny things? It might take you a day or two to read through these, but you'll thank me later. (This site hasn't been updated in a while, so i don't go to it everyday) but start with Riti's archives, and be sure to read her disclaimer BEFORE you get offended. TardBlog

Of course there are others, but this is a family site. What? It's not? Perverts.

And finally, the really wierd sites i go to:
Pork
Jenna
Pedro
DK

DK's Interview

2005-05-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

** My Interview **

Here is my interview by Danjerus Kurves. And i'd like to thank her for the wonderful photos, (i DID need a shower.)

Where would you like to go for lunch?
I'm usually and In-n-Out kinda guy, and no that's not an innuendo. If i've got some time (and had a woman), lunch would consist of a nice Italian restaurant, a little wine, and a nooner. (Gotta get dessert in there.)

Would you rather be a hippy or receive surprise butt sex from Wombat?
WHERE'S MY FLOWER?!

How long do you think it will be before you get over your woman-hating phase and decide to date again?
I don't hate women, doll. I hated A womAn, although i'm not really sure i hate her anymore. I realize that people have to do what makes them happy. She may not have been able to tell me she that wasn't happy (which is probably the real reason i was so bitter) but she still had to do what was right for her. I don't care to ever see or hear from her again, but i don't wish her any harm. I don't hate her.
I'm more weary of women today, but i'm ready to date again, i think. I just miss the little things that women do.

Batman or Spiderman?
If i had to be one? I guess Spiderman, cause i could hang out on the ceiling of the girls locker room. Wait a minute...that's pretty juvenile, huh? Fuck it, i like boobs.

How many times have you been arrested and for what?
Uh, once. I got a DUI. The cop thanked me and said it was the best chase he'd ever been in.
Ok, really? I had a headlight out and he stopped my in my driveway, i blew a 0.11. Pretty boring, but i got to sleep on a concrete slab with a bunch of dirty drunks :)

Weekend

2005-05-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

** Last Weekend **

My brother (we'll call him Hippy) graduated last weekend. As is typical of many colleges, it happens to be a fairly liberal campus. In fact, there were several grads wearing birkenstocks, and hemp necklaces, you get the picture. I love to tease these people. It gives me satisfaction to watch them squirm. It's not that i don't respect their opinions, some of them i readily agree with, but they seem to be less tolerant of others' views than they would otherwise have you think. It's a bit ironic really. (Yes i'm generalizing, i know. Get over it.)
Picture this. I have a goatee, glasses, long curly hair, and when i don't brush it i tend to look a little "hippy". My political views, however, are decidedly conservative. Hippy, on the other hand has become the consumate liberal, yet has cropped hair, clean cut, and looks remarkably conservative. We like to joke that when we visit each other, we can go "undercover" in each other's worlds.
Not this time. I wanted to push some buttons this weekend. I wore this shirt and got some pretty good scowls and fake smiles. It was wonderful.

Skip to Saturday:
After the ceremony, we drove down to the folks house. They live out in the desert. Way out there. Recently my mom bought a horse, and my dad bought a donkey to keep him company. (My dad has this weird sense of humor and named his donkey Murphy, after Shrek's "donkey.") Anyway it's out there. My other brother (we'll call him Crash) wanted to take the quad down to the river with my cousin. In this particular area it's not legal to ride tandem so they decided to get some neighbor kids to go down with them on their dirt bikes. Crash wanted to ride a bike down so he borrowed one from the kids. As you might have guessed, he's not what you'd call an experienced rider. I'd call him a shitty rider, but that's me, i'm his brother, i'm supposed to say things like that to him. So Crash gets on the bike, revs the throttle and says, "It seems like it's running a little quick." He then proceeds to let out the clutch in one quick motion. The bike lurches out from under him, kicking out the back tire to the right and then it grabs pulling him back over. He gets his foot caught under the peg, launches and rolls. The father of the neighbor kids is watching this trying not to laugh and says, "Good thing to just get it out of the way now." HE HADN'T EVEN GOT OUT OF THE YARD! I can't believe they let him go. Now his heel is all bruised and he keeps complaining about having to walk on it. It takes all i've got not to tell him how stoopid he is. But he already knows.

Personal Motto

2005-05-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

**Personal Motto**

I can't decide which of these i want my personal motto to be.

• There are 3 types of people in this world, those that are good at math, and those that aren't.

• There are 3 types of people in this world, those that take the stairs, those that take the elevator, and those that run up the down escalator.

• 3 types of people, those that hate Bush, those that love Bush, and those that eat bush.

Can you think of anymore? Do you have a personal motto?

Moments in Time

2005-05-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

**Moments in Time**

There are two specific times of the day that i think about a lot. The first one i hate with an all-consuming passion, and the second i welcome with open arms. Why i hate the first one is readily apparent and if you've experienced it, you'll know what i mean.
Have you ever woken up 2 or 3 minutes before your alarm goes off, yeah, that's one of the moments. You roll over to see how many hours you get to sleep, but recoil in horror as you realize that you don't need an alarm clock today. So what's next? Right, you instantly close your eyes, throw the covers over your head and try to get back to sleep for another 90 seconds. Why do we do that? Can anyone actually fall back asleep within that 90 seconds? And then when the alarm DOES go off, you're surprised to find out how surprised you actually are. If there is a worse way to start the day, i haven't experienced it yet.

Then there's what some have called "Lucretia." This is an old word that basically means to "read by candlelight." Today it is seldom used, as today's society doesn't stay up very late without DOING something, and we have a lot more electric lights which seem to diminish the effect. One doesn't have to actually read, or have candles lit to engage in lucretia, however. One needs only to be up late (say 3am) and be lounging around the house. The key is to have little or no light on, everyone else in the house asleep, and nothing really important to do.

There is just something eerily calm about being the only one up in the middle of the night. This can be accomplished very easily, and it doesn't really have to be that late, (although the later it is, the quieter it becomes. After you're done cramming your brain with useless knowledge from the History/Discovery/Spike channel, and everyone is heading off to bed, take your time brushing your teeth, changing into your pj's, and getting ready for bed. Everyone else should be done before you, then go back out into the living room and just sit on the couch. Take in the sounds, the way the light from the street falls through the window. It's kinda creepy, but you'll get used to it. If you smoke, go out on the patio and have a cigarette. Listen to the lack of noise out there. Lots of bourbon usually helps the experience too.

Just don't stay up too late, and don't worry about setting your alarm clock, you won't need it anyway.

Hippies

2005-05-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

**Hippies**

Hippies are the scourge of the Earth. Well, hippies and the Fox network. Hate is a strong word, so i won't use it, but hippies really make my ass twitch. There are four people here on Earth that i really have issues with, and one of them is actually my COMPLETE opposite. She in fact, is my "Soul Enemy." I've even come up with several reasons why, which i'll go into later.
Each of the following hippies is an extremely great artist and i respect their talents immensely. I even have some of their albums. As people, however, i'm a little disgusted.

Eddie Vedder - Lead singer of (as one of my friends once said) "The World's Greatest Cover Band." Pearl Jam does other people songs better than the originals did. Only Jimi Hendrix covered others' songs better. PJ also has their own collection of tier-one songs, and i love them. Eddie, however, needs to realize that people go to their concerts to hear him sing, not rant about the guy he didn't vote for.

Kurt Cobain - Lead singer of Nirvana. Worthless. Married a crack-whore, and with it, spawned a poor defenseless child, then proceeds to blow his head off; leaving the crack-whore to raise it. Real smart. Again, good music, shitty guy. I like to think that my $20 i spent on "Nevermind" bought someone a box of shotgun shells somewhere in Washington.

John Lennon - Beatles (duh.) This guy is a lot like Kurt, terrible father, horrible husband, and some even contend that he and his concubine split up the greatest band in the world. BUT, he too is also an extremely gifted artist. I don't get it.

Sinead O'Conner - Irish Cunt. This is my polar opposite. God couldn't have taken a picture of me, developed the negative and been more opposite! Here are the reasons.
1. She's female.
2. She's rich AND famous.
3. She's got NO hair.
4. She'd be drop-dead gorgeous if she'd grow it out.
5. She has a wonderful singing voice.
6. She hates/hated the Pope.
7. She's gotten boo'ed off stage.
8. Parents are divorced.
9. She's been married and divorced.
10.Got caught shoplifting.
11.She hates "The Star-Spangled Banner."
12.She's got kids.
13.She's a lesbian. (Ok, that one doesn't count. Eric Cartman and i are lesbians too.)

Say that reminds me: What do you call a 200-lb Roman wrestler with hair between his teeth?

A Gladiator.

Typical Day

2005-04-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

**Typical Day**

Don't you hate that conversation you have with your lunch buddy? That one that always sounds a lot like this?
"Where do you want to go to lunch?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"

Here's how it went today. This is taken directly from my IM Screen (names have been changed to protect the guilty):

guy says: where to for lunch ?
Rik says: i was just thinking that . . .
Rik says: hmmmmm
Rik says: beef?
Rik says: pork?
guy says: huh?
Rik says: "not really meat, but they call it a hambuger anyway?"
guy says: beef pork
Rik says: hmmmmmmmm
guy says: in n out
Rik says: *thinking*thinking*thinking*
Rik says: do you like taco bell?
Rik says: you don't, do you?
guy says: no
guy says: i poop

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO LUNCH NOW.

7/11

2005-04-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

**7/11**

Is it just me, or have the people behind the counter at 7/11 got more and more rude over the past few months?? What the hell is that about.
I've been to about 3 different 7/11s in the past couple of months, and while i was never able to totally understand the immigrant behind the counter, it has gotten decidedly worse ever since he/she won't put down the fucking cell phone!! He/She doesn't even say "Hello, my friend," anymore!! He/She just grabs my shit, waves it in front of that damned scanner, and then holds out his/her fucking hand for my money. The next fucker that doesn't greet me or at least acknowledge that i'm standing on the other side of his lottery ticket display case, i'm gonna walk the fuck right out of there.

Better yet, i'm gonna say hold on, while i go and get eight or ten more items . . . and if he's still not off the damned phone i'm gonna walk out and let him put the 30,000 year half-life twinkies back himself.

** Friday **It's Friday, i'll be drunk soon. Someone call me on Monday morning and make sure i'm:

A. Awake.
2. Not in jail.
D. Still in the United States.